Apocalypse likelihood "on the rise" suggests new bible data

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The Bible, provider of funny phrases like "he that pisseth against the wall" and "let me eat some of that red stuff, because I'm exhausted" has for centuries been providing new information about our world. Thomas Bradley, curator at John Thompkins Church in Newfoundplace, came across just such information last week, and has since become a hot topic in churching circles. The information? That we are all about to die horribly in one or more apocalyptic events.

Bradley, 88, was seemingly unwilling to accept that the standard Christian version of the events of the apocalypse might not happen in his own lifetime. Keen as he was to see a scourge of modern society, and anyone who didn't follow his exacting interpretation of the bible die in nasty ways, Bradley would trawl his well-worn copy of his copy of the bible to find hints that it was 'on its way'.

"I eventually realised that if I chose letters at random from any given page, I could generate almost any word necessary to corroborate my desires. Essentially, I can tell you that the end is, as the sign would have it, nigh. We will all die - some of us will be saved; people like yourself will burn horribly and suffer torment throughout the rest of eternity. Ooh, I hope you get yours you arrogant little prick."

Bradley's King James bible, itself a translation of a motley combination of Greek, Hebrew and Aramaic texts, which were themselves scribed by humans who felt the presence, physically or otherwise, of divine creatures or manifestations, is the source of all his learning. Editorially, I can't help wonder whether his position on this would be entirely sound, even if he was quoting directly from the text in front of him. But maybe I'm just bitter because he called me a little prick.

The funny news item you've just read is FICTITIOUS. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental or is intended purely as a satire, parody or spoof.

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