C-list celebs move up to B-list as all good celebrities keep dying

C-list celebrities have received a boost this month as the great and good of the entertainment world continue to drop like flies. Following the death of Prince, various members of the Kardashian family have received their letters this morning advising them of a boost in rankings. 40% of former C-listers are now confirmed as elite members of the B-list, just a stone's throw away from being actually talented.

"It's a great shock to me," claimed a D-lister, who is still to receive their letter. "I think it's an outrage. Nobody can replace Prince, just like nobody can replace Bowie. These people are the standard candles of the universe, and it's disturbing to think that we'll be lauding these wastrels who flaunt themselves on television like hunks of meat. On the other hand, if someone wants to make me a C-lister, I'll happily take my clothes off for $500."

The recent outbreak of celebrity deaths is, according to most sources, likely to continue. The baby-boom era, combined with the birth of celebrity culture in the 50s and 60s will inevitably contribute to the current decline. Musicians, arists and film stars who found fame in those decades are now in their 60s, 70s and 80s, and it should surprise no-one that they are therefore dropping away like garbage into the landfill. Scientist, Keith Mooner, explained:

"Well, they're getting old aren't they. And when people get old, they eventually die. It's the circle of life, but not really a wheel of fortune. I never really got that."

Further predictions of celebrity deaths are of course too personal and are to be avoided. For example, Stephen Hawking's eventual death will be a tragic loss to us all, and yet the same can't be said for some of the other so-called celebs.

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