Chinese explosions caused by capitalist pigs, claims Beijing

Officials from China's capital, Beijing, have today claimed that the explosions that occurred in a facility within the city of Tianjin were caused not by the heady mixture of toxic and highly combustible materials within, but instead by the doctrine and lifestyle of capitalism. "The West", the officials suggested, was "duplicitous in the explosions", and have demanded that the US in particular begin a process of what they dubbed "financial conciliation". A statement released on behalf of the Communist Party of China, reads:

"Once more we have borne witness to the truly anarchic and destructive power of capitalism. We'd explain it to you, but you wouldn't understand. For many decades we have been told how our own regime is backwards and suffocating, and yet here is direct proof that, without enlightenment from our glorious leader, this incident would have been so much worse. For details of the proof, send a stamped, addressed envelope to: China. Yes, just China - don't worry, we'll get it. Long live China. End Communication."

The incident, which is thought to have killed more than 50 very, very innocent people, has been met with shock and regret by all across the globe - except perhaps in the Chinese mainland itself, where limited coverage has been slowly and nervously released. Journalistic investigation in China is said to be spotty at best, with terms such as "Tianjin" still apparently subject to censure in online conversation, in particular. This censorship information has come to us from online user YogiBear8931, who is said to be living in a shoebox inside a cupboard inside a maximum security facility inside a large ball of fluff. We're not entirely sure if those details are accurate, or whether the multiple redactions have altered the original conversation we were attempting to have.

End communication.