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Facebook to merge Messenger, WhatsApp and Instagram. "It will be more useful for everyone," said Facebook. "Especially us."

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Facebook is pushing ahead with plans to merge Facebook Messenger, WhatsApp and Instagram. The apps will remain separate but the integration will allow personal data to be shared between them.

Facebook dilettante Narky screw-your-friends-over Fookerberg said: "We are fully committed to the safe storage and protection of personal data and we will definitely not give it away to anyone. Again. Honest. Er, or sell it. Really.

"When we merge these apps we will definitely not be collecting anyone's data. And if we did we would definitely not be sharing it with GCHQ, the FBI, CIA or Moscow. Or any data analytical companies. In Cambridge or anywhere else. Definitely not.

"And if we did - which we won't - it would only be little bitty data which you would never miss and which could definitely not be used for advertising, promotions or to influence any political elections. If we were to collect data. Which we're not.


"Cross my heart and hope to die."

Our Technology correspondent says the merger will also make it more difficult for the government or a watchdog body to break up the data-gathering apps as they will be too closely integrated. Facebook 1 : Personal data security 0.

The funny news item you've just read is FICTITIOUS. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental or is intended purely as a satire, parody or spoof.

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