In a shock off-the-record interview with Laughsend, the fugitive Meatloaf has vowed never to be caught.
We caught up with him just outside a McDonald's in Athens, Greece whilst he was chewing on a Big Mac. We offered him cash, he offered us his story.
Armed with a pump action shotgun, he proceeded to fill us in on what had happened on the night he was arrested, how he came to escape and just what happened at McDonald's Morecambe.
"OK, firstly - I was not guilty of smuggling those cans of tuna paste. Sure, I like tuna - but someone switched those samples. I think it was a guy with one arm."
"I escaped when the truck carrying me to death row crashed and ended up on a railway line. I tried squeezing through the window, but my fat ass just would not fit. I figured the door was easier."
"They found my shackles down the road, after my old pal Jim Steinman (arrested for murdering Andrew Lloyd-Webber) helped me with a key he found."
"I ran like a Bat out of Hell, and even had to do some self-surgery at the hospital. I ate one man's breakfast."
"Then I fled to En-ger-land, where I found this wealth of Drive-Thru's. I headed for somewhere obscure. Morecambe seemed just right. Then they found me. I dropped my Goddamn burger and ran like hell."
"I fled across the field at the back and got as far away as I could. I ended up here in Greece. I think I'm safe here."
"Oh, and I'll never be caught."
There we have it; another chapter unfolds in this story. Meatloaf's naivity continues. We'll keep you posted.