GCSE results

This year's GCSE results are going to be the 'worst ever' claims Mystic Meg. The seer, who most haven't heard from since she got that gig working for the National Lottery last century, has proclaimed the predicted grades for most pupils will be far lower than expected.

"We foresee a time when, shrouded by the fogs of certain doom and uncertain destiny, the letters A and B will mysteriously vanish - to be replaced with the uncertain squiggles of C and D."

Meg, real name Boris, has made a career from predicting the results from games of chance, and has claimed that the scoring and marking systems for higher level examinations are lending themselves increasingly to that label.

"GCSE and A-level grades are now subject to the same whims as the rolling of dice, or the dodging of human excrement in our local parks."

Many of those who are elated by their eventual grades will be made to feel lesser beings by anyone who took their own examinations in previous years, with many suggesting that "It was harder in my time" or "Kids get an A just for turning up these days". Conversely, those who do poorly in the exams will be reminded that they are "getting more difficult each year; it's the system, not you."

Life's like a box of chocolates. Some of them you don't like, some you like a lot. But you always wish there was a second layer.