There were shock reports today from the United Nations that the the Ozone layer has decided to retire early. The Ozone layer, made famous in the 1980s in well-founded environmental horror stories, was said to be tired of the recent lack of focus on the work it was doing, and wished to be left alone to contemplate its future.
Environmentalist, Sally Fields, told us:
"This is sad news. It's true that we haven't really paid much attention to the Ozone layer in the general broadcast news, but in the science community we're always trying to hark back to the good old days of when the layer was in its pomp, and demanding thousands of inches worth of column-time in newspaper. We forget sometimes that the Ozone layer is getting on a bit, but is still incredibly good looking and attractive. We should worship our older generations now, because if the layer does actually retire early we will all die, and pretty soon at that."
Some environmental skeptics have immediately called the Ozone layer on its decision, which they describe as a "monumental bluff". Gerry Springwater, who believes that there is literally nothing that human beings are capable of doing to the environment that can harm it, told us:
"Seriously? The Ozone layer is just a stupid old thing that no-one cared about at the time, and no-one cares about now. It's not like it actually does anything - it's all one momental bluff designed to scare us out of our cars and start climbing trees and wearing thongs. It's bizarre and ridiculous, if not down-right sexy."
If the Ozone layer does indeed choose to retire later this year there are some concerns that it might damage the earth in some way. However, until scientists can universally and unanimously agree then there's clearly no point worrying.