Scientists have discovered in recent tests that Pope John Paul II is in fact dead. The head of the catholic church apparently ceased to be alive several years ago, when he was unfortunate to come into contact with Sir Cliff Richard.
The Pope had been suffering from Parkinson's disease for quite some time, but the cardinals at the Vatican have only just realised that he was no longer breathing.
"We thought he'd gone a bit quiet," said a spokesperson. "He was just sitting there in his chair, wearing nothing but a United Colours of Bennetton jumper and a durex condom on each toe." This was, apparently, his symbolic way of showing the church's teachings about contraceptives.
"But when his knee starting going mouldy, we knew something was wrong. So we shipped him off for some tests."
It has also been leaked that his appearances in the recent Easter celebrations was not the real Pope, who is thought to have been frozen, chopped into little pieces and hidden in the tomato tins in the Vatican kitchens. A model of him, operated by LucasArts anamatronics engineers, was present at the Passiontide service.
Vatican spokespersons were keen to shake off the rumours that the Archbishop of Cardiff was moving about inside his skin in a similar manner to the classic horror, the Texas Chainsaw Massacre.