06:00 |
Wake up losers
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News / political programme |
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06:00AM to 08:30AM.
Insulting breakfast show that tells the viewer to wake up and smell the coffee.
Jet fuel can't melt steal beams
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08:30 |
Norma
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Genital health show |
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08:30AM to 09:00AM.
Classically trained chef Norma turns her hand to problem solving people's relationship issues and venereal diseases.
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09:00 |
Holiday slums wish you were there
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Current / consumer affairs |
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09:00AM to 09:45AM. Available only for recording to VHS or Betamax.
Guide to the latest trend in holidaying: the break away from everything and spending two weeks in slums, having your money stolen, and your family kidnapped. An orange leather faced white person to present - as yet undecided.
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09:45 |
Councils and how they (don't) work
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Current / consumer affairs |
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09:45AM to 10:30AM.
Satire hosted by comedienne Mary Vaughn, examining how local councils function, and the "hilarious" things they spend a tiny bit of money on but makes you go "that's my money you bastards are wasting!!!".
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10:30 |
Loose men
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Current / consumer affairs |
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10:30AM to 11:30AM.
Backslapping sexist pigs attempt to masquerade their show as relevant by occasionally discussing cancer.
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11:30 |
Not the whole penny
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Current / consumer affairs |
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11:30AM to 12:30PM.
Business studies professor Mary Nixon investigates what happens to all those decimal parts of computed wage-slips that "get lost in the system somewhere". Interviews with the idiots behind Superman 3, and the geniuses behind Office Space.
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12:30 |
News in the Afternoon
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News / political programme |
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12:30PM to 13:00PM. Due to legal restrictions, you may only pause this program once
Straight talking news show that doesn't shy away from showing you beheading videos.
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13:00 |
And in the morning the rash should be gone
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Soap |
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13:00PM to 13:30PM.
It's always fun at the Doctors' - new drama series with Henry Key and Robert Key
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: Carl reveals that Jillian is wearing shoes that are too small. Will Jillian ever discover what Carl did that time when polishing shoes with goat urine? He learns today what it means that: cheap is dear in the long run.
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13:30 |
The street where you live
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Soap |
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13:30PM to 14:00PM.
Truly award winning* soap based on a totally normal street near you.
*Not actually award winning
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: Matthew reveals the truth about Kiara. No matter what recurs within this show, none of these idiots will ever change their ongoing behaviour, and has the presence of mind to consider working hard for the money. Cheap is dear in the long run. When someone is caught speaking to another man's wife, who knows what will happen next?
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14:00 |
I just want my money, that's all
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Auction show |
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14:00PM to 15:00PM.
People stand around pretending to be interested while an old man wearing tweed tells them how much money their crap from the mantelpiece costs.
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15:00 |
Avery does crime & time
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Crime / Murder mystery Series |
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15:00PM to 16:00PM.
Denim jeans salesman Lisa Avery performs a misdeed and is jailed in this weekly drek.
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: Seven hundred and sixty eight puppies died in the making of this episode. Blaine considers the moral rights and wrongs of thinking about rockets, and knows Blaine's little secret. When was your birthday, pretty eyes?
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16:00 |
The investigator did it
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Crime / Murder mystery Series |
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16:00PM to 16:30PM.
Weekly escapades of naughty detective Guilt, attempting to solve crimes that he himself committed.
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: Will George confess to Mary about becoming a practicing homosexual? Some ideas are meant to be rejected; some make it this far.
Morally repugnant
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16:30 |
Hands-down pants-down
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Quiz show |
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16:30PM to 17:00PM.
Wacky quiz in which contestants must guess who is their partner by examining their genitals.
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17:00 |
News close to you
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News / political programme |
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17:00PM to 17:30PM.
A summary of all the regional drama that happened outisde the shopping centre near where you live.
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17:30 |
News in the Evening
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News / political programme |
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17:30PM to 19:00PM.
Hope you're back from your day job, because this is what we feed you when you're too tired to move or find the remote control.
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19:00 |
All this used to be fields
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Soap |
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19:00PM to 19:30PM.
Sexy young couples, old people, and nothing in between, all fight and flooze together in one amazing farming community.
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: Guy is warned that turning goth May not be the right answer, and learns today what it means that: speak clearly, if you speak at all. As someone finds out the future, leprechauns go through with the operation. A new arrival comes to visit. Is this the end of the beginning?
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19:30 |
People who live next door
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Soap |
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19:30PM to 20:00PM.
Australian soap. Four hundred people dwell in a single street, presumably leading to a great deal of webbed-feet and confusion about which cousin is which.
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: Someone finally notices something. Mary wonders what it would be like to not go around identifying as goatkin.
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20:00 |
No leg to stand on
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Current / consumer affairs |
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20:00PM to 20:30PM.
War journalist Freda Larsen introduces the latest in artifical limb technologies from unusual places.
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20:30 |
If it moves - kill it, screw it or give it up for adoption
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Soap |
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20:30PM to 21:00PM.
Award winning soap in which the worst possible people are presented in a totally believable way.
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: Michaela is giving all for no real purpose, and she might just regret sellotaping the letterbox shut each night before bed. Whatever occurs in this episode, no one will ever change their ongoing behaviour. And that's the end of that.
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21:00 |
I done killed the witch
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Documentary |
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21:00PM to 22:00PM. Available only for recording to VHS or Betamax.
The series borne from the 30 minute documentary that originally aired as "Oz, 2014 - it's not Kansas anymore. Come to think of it, it never was, it was Oz.". Get ready for L. Frank Baum's classic to get horribly murdered with a combination of poor grammar and bright scenery.
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22:00 |
Surely it's too late for news?!
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News / political programme |
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22:00PM to 22:30PM.
It's never too late. Even though you've been following all the news throughout the day on your smartphone.
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22:30 |
The garrulous inner workings of Michael Foster
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Historical / Period Drama Series |
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22:30PM to 23:30PM.
In learning that the spleen is in permanent discombobulation by the ephineral mascurtium, Michael Foster seeks each week to discover and extract the leaves of several coniferous sproutings, that were once baked in the ovens at Windsor, to distil a brew so imbued with corrective assertion so as to remedy and eventually cause to repair the underlying disassociative object in question.
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: Professor finally notices the truth about Professor. It's true - no-one cares about upsetting a droid.
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23:30 |
Do what you gotta do
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Hospital drama |
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23:30PM to 00:30AM.
Doctors gather together each week to ignore the wishes of their patients and patronise everyone.
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: Forgiveness is hard to come by. George threatens to marry the wrong person for the eighth time. Charles is startled to discover that Charles knows everything. It occurs to George that avoiding washing is probably not for the best. Is this the end of the beginning?
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00:30 |
Mary Russo
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Chat show |
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00:30AM to 02:00AM.
Chat show, only about half as interesting.
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