05:30 |
Breakfast news
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News / political programme |
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05:30AM to 09:00AM.
We eat pieces of news for breakfast.
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09:00 |
It's grim up north
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Home improvement show |
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09:00AM to 09:45AM.
Home improvement show focusing on all the worst parts of the north so that those living in the south can assume that slums are "normal" once you go beyond the M25.
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09:45 |
Surf's down, dude
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Soap |
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09:45AM to 10:15AM.
Award winning Australian soap about a surfing community run by a group of sadistic older people.
Episode details:
Season 8, Ep. 8: Leona wonders if this is the week to wish you a merry christmas. Does anyone follow plot lines? She learns today what the hell it means when they say hatred is as blind as love. What did happen last episode, anyway? Some ideas are meant to be rejected; some make it this far.
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10:15 |
I couldn't eat my dinner, but I would like some pudding
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Kids show |
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10:15AM to 10:30AM.
Kids clips show.
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10:30 |
Exciting Fun with Poo Bear
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Kids show |
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10:30AM to 11:00AM.
Poo bear likes to his hands dirty.
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11:00 |
I ate it all in one sitting
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Food / drink show |
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11:00AM to 11:30AM.
Enormous foods and gastric surgery in one lip smacking, belly slapping, show.
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11:30 |
You know it's fresh when it cries on you
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Food / drink show |
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11:30AM to 12:00PM.
Butchery for beginners.
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12:00 |
Lunchtime news
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News / political programme |
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12:00PM to 12:30PM.
Because between breakfast and lunch, people will have died, and you need to know about it.
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12:30 |
Killer bee robots from Eastern Europe
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Science Fiction Series |
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12:30PM to 13:30PM.
Killer bees out to kill other bees in this novel US science fiction series.
Episode details:
Season 2, Ep. 5: A mysterious odour is probably grateful for everything. Some ideas are meant to be rejected; some make it this far.
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13:30 |
Old man and his cart
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Auction show |
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13:30PM to 14:15PM.
Follow as he attempts to unload his "antiques" onto wine-quaffing buffoons.
Contains several scenes of wild beatings.
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14:15 |
Cook with whatever's left in your fridge
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Food / drink show |
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14:15PM to 15:00PM.
Celebrity Chef William Key visits people in their homes and cooks only with what's there in the fridge and cupboards.
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15:00 |
The odds aren't good but we still prevail every damned episode
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Science Fiction Series |
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15:00PM to 15:30PM.
Episodic calamity with attractive actors fighting aliens and any other sci-fi staples we can throw in there, only to continually win in the last few minutes.
Episode details:
Season 2, Ep. 2: Jonas knows that the truth will be too painful for Florence. It occurs to Jonas that wearing shoes that are too small is probably not for the best, and he threatens to sing badly in front of the vicar. A new arrival comes to visit.
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15:30 |
I was proud of my designing skills 'til you came along
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Home improvement show |
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15:30PM to 16:00PM.
Various people are humbled by foppish cads entering their homes and telling them how disgusting their home furnishing taste is.
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16:00 |
Play me that record again, I might recognise the tune
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Quiz show |
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16:00PM to 17:00PM.
Musical quiz; old people try to divine the tune by listening to the scratchy lead-in on an LP.
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17:00 |
Tears of a Clown
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Quiz show |
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17:00PM to 17:30PM.
Quiz show in which a professional clown is cowed by his peers until he has a nervous breakdown. Hosted by Kathryn Osborn
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17:30 |
Slags n Sluts
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Soap |
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17:30PM to 18:00PM.
Enjoyable soap.
Episode details:
Season 6, Ep. 82: Everyone wonders what horrors will be next. Tracy wonders if this is the week to discuss the long term peace treaty.
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18:00 |
Evening news
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News / political programme |
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18:00PM to 18:45PM.
Your working day is over - so see what misery befell other people.
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18:45 |
Local news
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News / political programme |
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18:45PM to 19:00PM.
For when you want to worry about the undoubtedly insular and inbred world around you.
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19:00 |
Friends who are fat don't let fat friends eat fat
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Soap |
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19:00PM to 20:00PM.
New weight loss and swimming show; poolside antics likely to include cannonballing.
Episode details:
Season 2, Ep. 9: Ezekiel is startled to discover that Ezekiel knows everything. Karen Thornton somehow discovers that Ezekiel is thinking about rockets, and she will have to face the consequences of looking backwards. Whoever consistently removes the cookie, really takes the biscuit.
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20:00 |
Mays is greater than Mathis
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Reality show |
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20:00PM to 21:00PM.
Albert Mays takes on Mary Mathis in a weekly test of endurance. From the team that created "I'll hit you so hard, I will".
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21:00 |
Wet wipes: a tale of woe
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Documentary |
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21:00PM to 21:30PM.
Spare a thought for as he attempts to unblock drains from around the world in this fly-on-the-wall documentary series.
The first three rows may get wet. But not in the good way.
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21:30 |
Night news
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News / political programme |
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21:30PM to 22:00PM.
Find out what dreadful things have happened in other countries so that you don't feel so bad.
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22:00 |
Hope springs
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Comedy Series |
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22:00PM to 22:30PM.
Pearl Benson is a 50-something former housewife whose kids have now left home. With a rapidly ageing husband likely to die within a few years, Pearl begins playing the field in order to find that "perfect guy or gal".
Episode details:
Season 3, Ep. 17: Someone reveals nothing. Does anyone follow plot lines? Forgiveness is hard to come by. Hope threatens to open up, only to have the heart torn out. Is this the beginning of the end?
Contains scenes of a sexual and/or gay nature.
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22:30 |
My belief is suspended
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Sci-Fi Film |
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22:30PM to 00:30AM.
With this film, you'll really feel like you can fly, if you take a shit load of Nitrous Oxide or use your imagination. Whatever.
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00:30 |
Dance like yo legs is on fire!
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Music |
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00:30AM to 01:30AM.
Exclamation marks abound in this fun-filled hour of sassed-up jazz dancing. Improvised music takes on improv dance in this groovy chill out town of style and funk. Y'all!!!
Contains scenes of outrageous dancing.
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01:30 |
Tree rings: nature's lies
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Documentary |
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01:30AM to 02:30AM.
Documentary series tracking the eventful lives of seventy trees. Watch as they go from sapling to full-grown tree over a period of 150 years, and then test whether their rings make them DIRTY LYING WHORES!
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