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05:30 |
Breakfast news
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News / political programme |
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05:30AM to 10:00AM.
We eat pieces of news for breakfast.
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10:00 |
Listen to my cooking
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Food / drink show |
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10:00AM to 12:00PM.
Live morning special in which talented chefs get to sit around while clip shows are shown to the audience.
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12:00 |
Lunchtime news
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News / political programme |
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12:00PM to 12:15PM.
Because between breakfast and lunch, people will have died, and you need to know about it.
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12:15 |
Saturday Sports
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Sport |
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12:15PM to 13:30PM.
Sports extravaganza, featuring past sports heroes who have run out of drug money.
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13:30 |
Lolsers
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Documentary |
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13:30PM to 15:30PM.
Documentary film mocking those who are starting to introduce online phrases into their everyday speech.
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15:30 |
If it's in my pants drawer, am I forced to wear it?
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Crime / Murder mystery Series |
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15:30PM to 16:00PM.
Weekly comedy crime mystery in which at least three people per episode are forced to cross-dress because they go undercover and nobody of the correct gender is available for some reason.
Episode details:
Season 9, Ep. 5: An infinite number of dogs dressed as monkeys provide at least seven hundred percent of the drama. As the saying goes: in for a penny, in for a pound. Logic takes the high road in this action fraught drama. No matter what occurs within this show, none of these idiots will adapt their behaviour. Whoever consistently removes the cookie, really takes the biscuit.
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16:00 |
Cook with whatever's left in your fridge
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Food / drink show |
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16:00PM to 16:45PM.
Celebrity Chef William Key visits people in their homes and cooks only with what's there in the fridge and cupboards.
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16:45 |
You cracked one off in the bathroom
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Quiz show |
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16:45PM to 17:15PM.
TV quiz show that attempts to get friends to spy on one another's toilet habits, and shame them in front of a live audience.
Some masturbation scenes; no visible leakage.
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17:15 |
Tears of a Clown
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Quiz show |
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17:15PM to 17:45PM.
Quiz show in which a professional clown is cowed by his peers until he has a nervous breakdown. Hosted by Kathryn Osborn
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17:45 |
Leftwise Whiteteeth
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Cartoon |
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17:45PM to 18:00PM.
Wise-cracking turtle Jorge and his orange friend Gale of undetermined genus find hilarity in the least surprising ways.
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 5: Nobody knows, and nobody cares. Everyone forgets what happened recently. Will The ever discover what Jonjo did that eventful day? He will have to face The consequences of being in pyjamas all day long. Is this The beginning of The end?
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18:00 |
Evening news
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News / political programme |
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18:00PM to 18:45PM.
Your working day is over - so see what misery befell other people.
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18:45 |
Local news
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News / political programme |
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18:45PM to 19:00PM.
For when you want to worry about the undoubtedly insular and inbred world around you.
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19:00 |
We all like the smell of our own
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Documentary |
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19:00PM to 20:00PM.
Health documentary investigating a group of nomadic desert farmers who appear to have grown a liking for other people's flatulence.
Probably best not watched at mealtimes.
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20:00 |
Swellings and bumps
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Reality show |
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20:00PM to 20:30PM.
Health show in which members of a random audience show off their latest leaking pustules.
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20:30 |
NHS Gore
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Hospital drama |
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20:30PM to 21:30PM.
Hospital drama: mostly just closeups of highly invasive surgery and syringes being whamped into people's arms for kicks.
Episode details:
Season 4, Ep. 16: No-one is sure Stacey is even serious. It can only end with someone always being late.
Contains scenes of pig butchery, masquerading as heart ops
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21:30 |
Night news
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News / political programme |
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21:30PM to 22:00PM. Due to legal restrictions, you may only pause this program once
Find out what dreadful things have happened in other countries so that you don't feel so bad.
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22:00 |
Kill the geek
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Reality show |
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22:00PM to 23:00PM.
Managing Directors from around the world club together to form a Battle Royale (or Hunger Games for you youngsters) using their IT staff. Who will die this week?
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23:00 |
What live animal will you eat?
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Reality show |
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23:00PM to 23:45PM.
New reality TV show with surprising guest hosts. And if you throw up your half masticated animal, the next contestant must continue to eat it.
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23:45 |
Grandad goes to sleep for the last time
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Documentary |
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23:45PM to 00:45AM.
Taxidermy for the wicked.
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00:45 |
My car and where I parked it
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Documentary |
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00:45AM to 01:30AM.
Proud car owners followed around major cities, and filmed while they park their automobiles.
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01:30 |
I want to be a celebrity
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Reality show |
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01:30AM to 02:30AM.
Frank reality show in which people who want to be a celebrity learn how to act like a celebrity by competing in bizarre challenges that no celebrity would ever endeavour.
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