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06:00 |
Wake up losers
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News / political programme |
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06:00AM to 08:30AM.
Insulting breakfast show that tells the viewer to wake up and smell the coffee.
Jet fuel can't melt steal beams
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08:30 |
Norma
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Genital health show |
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08:30AM to 09:00AM.
Classically trained chef Norma turns her hand to problem solving people's relationship issues and venereal diseases.
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09:00 |
You carry a pink umbrella and you're not gay?
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Current / consumer affairs |
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09:00AM to 09:30AM.
Series outing those who are clearly gay but not aware of it.
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09:30 |
Astrology from uranus
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Current / consumer affairs |
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09:30AM to 10:30AM.
Spoof magician presents this weekly show forecasting hilarious doom for everyone.
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10:30 |
Loose men
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Current / consumer affairs |
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10:30AM to 11:30AM.
Backslapping sexist pigs attempt to masquerade their show as relevant by occasionally discussing cancer.
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11:30 |
Not the whole penny
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Current / consumer affairs |
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11:30AM to 12:30PM.
Business studies professor Mary Nixon investigates what happens to all those decimal parts of computed wage-slips that "get lost in the system somewhere". Interviews with the idiots behind Superman 3, and the geniuses behind Office Space.
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12:30 |
News in the Afternoon
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News / political programme |
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12:30PM to 13:00PM. Due to legal restrictions, you may only pause this program once
Straight talking news show that doesn't shy away from showing you beheading videos.
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13:00 |
And in the morning the rash should be gone
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Soap |
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13:00PM to 13:30PM.
It's always fun at the Doctors' - new drama series with Henry Key and Robert Key
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: Carl learns today what the hell it means when they say you can't tell a book by its cover. A new arrival comes to visit. Patience is a virtue, and knows Jillian's little secret.
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13:30 |
The street where you live
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Soap |
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13:30PM to 14:00PM.
Truly award winning* soap based on a totally normal street near you.
*Not actually award winning
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: As someone somehow discovers the drawing left on the fridge, cows bury everything in the sand. Matthew learns today what the hell it means when they say absence makes the heart grow fonder, and he decides to chew on the bones of the dead. What will the neighbours think?
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14:00 |
I just want my money, that's all
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Auction show |
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14:00PM to 15:00PM.
People stand around pretending to be interested while an old man wearing tweed tells them how much money their crap from the mantelpiece costs.
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15:00 |
Avery does crime & time
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Crime / Murder mystery Series |
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15:00PM to 16:00PM.
Denim jeans salesman Lisa Avery performs a misdeed and is jailed in this weekly drek.
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: Blaine learns today what it means that: beauty is but skin deep. Is there time to change things?
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16:00 |
The investigator did it
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Crime / Murder mystery Series |
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16:00PM to 16:30PM.
Weekly escapades of naughty detective Guilt, attempting to solve crimes that he himself committed.
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: Can the tension last while George is still there? Learns today what the hell it means when they say never let the sun set on angry heart. Someone's bound to notice this only happened once someone mentioned being ready for the worst.
Morally repugnant
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16:30 |
Hands-down pants-down
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Quiz show |
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16:30PM to 17:00PM.
Wacky quiz in which contestants must guess who is their partner by examining their genitals.
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17:00 |
News close to you
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News / political programme |
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17:00PM to 17:30PM.
A summary of all the regional drama that happened outisde the shopping centre near where you live.
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17:30 |
News in the Evening
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News / political programme |
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17:30PM to 19:00PM.
Hope you're back from your day job, because this is what we feed you when you're too tired to move or find the remote control.
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19:00 |
All this used to be fields
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Soap |
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19:00PM to 19:30PM.
Sexy young couples, old people, and nothing in between, all fight and flooze together in one amazing farming community.
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: Everyone forgets what happened recently. Guy has the presence of mind to consider being unable to locate things with use of the tongue. When someone is caught thinking naughty thoughts, who knows what will happen next?
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19:30 |
People who live next door
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Soap |
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19:30PM to 20:00PM.
Australian soap. Four hundred people dwell in a single street, presumably leading to a great deal of webbed-feet and confusion about which cousin is which.
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: It occurs to Mary Cowan that being ready for the worst is probably not for the best, and she wonders what it would be like to not go around bottomless bathing. Everyone will wonder if this is even possible.
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20:00 |
Weekly MP bribe
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Current / consumer affairs |
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20:00PM to 20:30PM.
Examining the various bribes that have been given to MPs this week in order to maintain the status quo of rich people controlling everything.
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20:30 |
If it moves - kill it, screw it or give it up for adoption
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Soap |
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20:30PM to 21:00PM.
Award winning soap in which the worst possible people are presented in a totally believable way.
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: Michaela wonders what it would be like to go around going for a long walk. Voices will be raised; expectations lowered. As the proverb states: better to have than to wish, and considers the moral rights and wrongs of testing the bath only after the baby has gone in. What won't the neighbours say?
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21:00 |
I done killed the witch
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Documentary |
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21:00PM to 22:00PM. Available only for recording to VHS or Betamax.
The series borne from the 30 minute documentary that originally aired as "Oz, 2014 - it's not Kansas anymore. Come to think of it, it never was, it was Oz.". Get ready for L. Frank Baum's classic to get horribly murdered with a combination of poor grammar and bright scenery.
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22:00 |
Surely it's too late for news?!
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News / political programme |
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22:00PM to 22:30PM.
It's never too late. Even though you've been following all the news throughout the day on your smartphone.
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22:30 |
Killing in the name of Hyman Key
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Historical / Period Drama Series |
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22:30PM to 23:30PM.
A different fanatic group each week attempts to out-do believers in Hyman Key. Who will prevail?
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: Jesus decides to eat garlic to avoid sex, and he is being able to hear underwater. How far the apple has fallen.
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23:30 |
You got it stuck in there, you get it out
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Hospital drama |
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23:30PM to 00:00AM.
Medical drama starring Edna Bright and Charles Schaefer. 30 goddamn minutes of constant hell.
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: Kevin wonders what it would be like to go around worshipping false idols; he wonders what it would be like to not go around sellotaping the letterbox shut each night before bed; he might just regret stroking someone else's beard. What won't the neighbours say?
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00:00 |
It's stuck to my face
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Horror Film |
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00:00AM to 02:00AM.
Whatever it is: it's stuck to her goddamned face, and with no obvious way of removing it. Oh, and it looks pretty scary, whatever it is. No, it's not a mole. No, not even one of those with a hair in it. And... NO! It's not a fucking cold sore! What's wrong with you people? It's scary, possibly alien, maybe some out of control microbial bacterial mega-fuck up from some lab somewhere. OK?
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Titanic Wreck Scanned, Celine Dion Weeps With Envy
George W Bush to Take Over as the New Host of The Price is Right and Finally Find the Weapons of Mass Destruction
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