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06:00 |
Wake up losers
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News / political programme |
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06:00AM to 08:30AM.
Insulting breakfast show that tells the viewer to wake up and smell the coffee.
Jet fuel can't melt steal beams
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08:30 |
Norma
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Genital health show |
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08:30AM to 09:00AM.
Classically trained chef Norma turns her hand to problem solving people's relationship issues and venereal diseases.
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09:00 |
Holiday slums wish you were there
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Current / consumer affairs |
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09:00AM to 09:45AM. Available only for recording to VHS or Betamax.
Guide to the latest trend in holidaying: the break away from everything and spending two weeks in slums, having your money stolen, and your family kidnapped. An orange leather faced white person to present - as yet undecided.
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09:45 |
Councils and how they (don't) work
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Current / consumer affairs |
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09:45AM to 10:30AM.
Satire hosted by comedienne Mary Vaughn, examining how local councils function, and the "hilarious" things they spend a tiny bit of money on but makes you go "that's my money you bastards are wasting!!!".
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10:30 |
Loose men
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Current / consumer affairs |
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10:30AM to 11:30AM.
Backslapping sexist pigs attempt to masquerade their show as relevant by occasionally discussing cancer.
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11:30 |
Not the whole penny
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Current / consumer affairs |
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11:30AM to 12:30PM.
Business studies professor Mary Nixon investigates what happens to all those decimal parts of computed wage-slips that "get lost in the system somewhere". Interviews with the idiots behind Superman 3, and the geniuses behind Office Space.
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12:30 |
News in the Afternoon
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News / political programme |
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12:30PM to 13:00PM. Due to legal restrictions, you may only pause this program once
Straight talking news show that doesn't shy away from showing you beheading videos.
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13:00 |
And in the morning the rash should be gone
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Soap |
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13:00PM to 13:30PM.
It's always fun at the Doctors' - new drama series with Henry Key and Robert Key
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: Blue is probably sorry for nothing. The trouble with tickling the ivories begins to change the overall effect of the smartphone covers no-one is sure Carl is even serious. Writers strikes definitely did not happen at this point in the series.
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13:30 |
The street where you live
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Soap |
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13:30PM to 14:00PM.
Truly award winning* soap based on a totally normal street near you.
*Not actually award winning
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: Identifying as goatkin doesn't bother Matthew as much as it did Kiara, and he finds out that Kiara is reformatting the computer, and he begins to think about the past. Will anyone have to do this again?
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14:00 |
I just want my money, that's all
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Auction show |
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14:00PM to 15:00PM.
People stand around pretending to be interested while an old man wearing tweed tells them how much money their crap from the mantelpiece costs.
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15:00 |
Avery does crime & time
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Crime / Murder mystery Series |
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15:00PM to 16:00PM.
Denim jeans salesman Lisa Avery performs a misdeed and is jailed in this weekly drek.
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: Blaine is startled to discover that Blaine knows everything. Blaine learns today what the hell it means when they say better to wear out than rust out. Alledgedly?
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16:00 |
The investigator did it
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Crime / Murder mystery Series |
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16:00PM to 16:30PM.
Weekly escapades of naughty detective Guilt, attempting to solve crimes that he himself committed.
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: Nine hundred wet noodles died in the making of this episode. George knows Mary's little secret about bothering goats on a daily basis. Does anyone follow plot lines? Some ideas are meant to be rejected; some make it this far.
Morally repugnant
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16:30 |
Hands-down pants-down
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Quiz show |
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16:30PM to 17:00PM.
Wacky quiz in which contestants must guess who is their partner by examining their genitals.
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17:00 |
News close to you
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News / political programme |
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17:00PM to 17:30PM.
A summary of all the regional drama that happened outisde the shopping centre near where you live.
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17:30 |
News in the Evening
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News / political programme |
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17:30PM to 19:00PM.
Hope you're back from your day job, because this is what we feed you when you're too tired to move or find the remote control.
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19:00 |
All this used to be fields
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Soap |
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19:00PM to 19:30PM.
Sexy young couples, old people, and nothing in between, all fight and flooze together in one amazing farming community.
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: Guy might just regret turning goth.
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19:30 |
People who live next door
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Soap |
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19:30PM to 20:00PM.
Australian soap. Four hundred people dwell in a single street, presumably leading to a great deal of webbed-feet and confusion about which cousin is which.
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: Mary is left regretting hoping for the best. As someone discovers the drawing left on the fridge, bed sores sing badly in front of the vicar. Is there time to change things?
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20:00 |
No leg to stand on
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Current / consumer affairs |
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20:00PM to 20:30PM.
War journalist Freda Larsen introduces the latest in artifical limb technologies from unusual places.
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20:30 |
If it moves - kill it, screw it or give it up for adoption
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Soap |
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20:30PM to 21:00PM.
Award winning soap in which the worst possible people are presented in a totally believable way.
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: It's time for Michaela Davies to tell the truth about Cecil, and strikes out today, just as everyone predicted. Is this the end for everyone?
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21:00 |
I done killed the witch
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Documentary |
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21:00PM to 22:00PM. Available only for recording to VHS or Betamax.
The series borne from the 30 minute documentary that originally aired as "Oz, 2014 - it's not Kansas anymore. Come to think of it, it never was, it was Oz.". Get ready for L. Frank Baum's classic to get horribly murdered with a combination of poor grammar and bright scenery.
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22:00 |
Surely it's too late for news?!
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News / political programme |
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22:00PM to 22:30PM.
It's never too late. Even though you've been following all the news throughout the day on your smartphone.
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22:30 |
The garrulous inner workings of Michael Foster
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Historical / Period Drama Series |
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22:30PM to 23:30PM.
In learning that the spleen is in permanent discombobulation by the ephineral mascurtium, Michael Foster seeks each week to discover and extract the leaves of several coniferous sproutings, that were once baked in the ovens at Windsor, to distil a brew so imbued with corrective assertion so as to remedy and eventually cause to repair the underlying disassociative object in question.
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: Reformatting the computer doesn't bother Professor as much as it did Professor; she strikes out today, just as everyone predicted; she decides to break on through to the other side. What will the neighbours think?
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23:30 |
Do what you gotta do
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Hospital drama |
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23:30PM to 00:30AM.
Doctors gather together each week to ignore the wishes of their patients and patronise everyone.
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: George has the presence of mind to consider changing sex, and he strikes out today, just as everyone predicted. Voices will be raised; expectations lowered, and he learns today what it means that: better to be poor and healthy rather than rich and sick. And you still watch this stuff?
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00:30 |
Mary Russo
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Chat show |
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00:30AM to 02:00AM.
Chat show, only about half as interesting.
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Titanic Wreck Scanned, Celine Dion Weeps With Envy
George W Bush to Take Over as the New Host of The Price is Right and Finally Find the Weapons of Mass Destruction
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