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06:00 |
Wake up losers
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News / political programme |
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06:00AM to 08:30AM.
Insulting breakfast show that tells the viewer to wake up and smell the coffee.
Jet fuel can't melt steal beams
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08:30 |
Norma
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Genital health show |
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08:30AM to 09:00AM.
Classically trained chef Norma turns her hand to problem solving people's relationship issues and venereal diseases.
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09:00 |
Lawks a lordy
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Current / consumer affairs |
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09:00AM to 10:00AM.
Topical show in which people try to outdo each other with pre-watershed insults.
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10:00 |
Weekly MP bribe
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Current / consumer affairs |
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10:00AM to 10:30AM.
Examining the various bribes that have been given to MPs this week in order to maintain the status quo of rich people controlling everything.
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10:30 |
Loose men
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Current / consumer affairs |
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10:30AM to 11:30AM.
Backslapping sexist pigs attempt to masquerade their show as relevant by occasionally discussing cancer.
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11:30 |
Not the whole penny
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Current / consumer affairs |
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11:30AM to 12:30PM.
Business studies professor Mary Nixon investigates what happens to all those decimal parts of computed wage-slips that "get lost in the system somewhere". Interviews with the idiots behind Superman 3, and the geniuses behind Office Space.
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12:30 |
News in the Afternoon
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News / political programme |
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12:30PM to 13:00PM. Due to legal restrictions, you may only pause this program once
Straight talking news show that doesn't shy away from showing you beheading videos.
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13:00 |
And in the morning the rash should be gone
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Soap |
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13:00PM to 13:30PM.
It's always fun at the Doctors' - new drama series with Henry Key and Robert Key
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: A new arrival comes to visit. Everything seems to change with someone driving nude from the waist down. Remember: half the cast voted for this storyline.
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13:30 |
The street where you live
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Soap |
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13:30PM to 14:00PM.
Truly award winning* soap based on a totally normal street near you.
*Not actually award winning
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: Does anyone follow plot lines? Voices will be raised; expectations lowered. Will Kiara ever discover what Matthew did that weekend when caught preparing for the dentist? Nobody is quite sure what the result might be.
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14:00 |
I just want my money, that's all
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Auction show |
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14:00PM to 15:00PM.
People stand around pretending to be interested while an old man wearing tweed tells them how much money their crap from the mantelpiece costs.
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15:00 |
The investigator did it
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Crime / Murder mystery Series |
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15:00PM to 15:30PM.
Weekly escapades of naughty detective Guilt, attempting to solve crimes that he himself committed.
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: George Guilt somehow discovers that Mary is dancing at the school fete. What will the neighbours say?
Morally repugnant
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15:30 |
Avery does crime & time
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Crime / Murder mystery Series |
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15:30PM to 16:30PM.
Denim jeans salesman Lisa Avery performs a misdeed and is jailed in this weekly drek.
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: Blaine is left regretting going for a long walk. It occurs to Blaine that avoiding washing is probably not for the best, and will have to face the consequences of identifying as goatkin. Is this the inevitable result of always being late?
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16:30 |
Hands-down pants-down
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Quiz show |
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16:30PM to 17:00PM.
Wacky quiz in which contestants must guess who is their partner by examining their genitals.
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17:00 |
News close to you
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News / political programme |
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17:00PM to 17:30PM.
A summary of all the regional drama that happened outisde the shopping centre near where you live.
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17:30 |
News in the Evening
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News / political programme |
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17:30PM to 19:00PM.
Hope you're back from your day job, because this is what we feed you when you're too tired to move or find the remote control.
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19:00 |
All this used to be fields
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Soap |
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19:00PM to 19:30PM.
Sexy young couples, old people, and nothing in between, all fight and flooze together in one amazing farming community.
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: Guy knows Maynard's little secret. Nobody knows, and nobody cares. Someone finds out something. Everyone will wonder if this is even possible.
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19:30 |
People who live next door
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Soap |
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19:30PM to 20:00PM.
Australian soap. Four hundred people dwell in a single street, presumably leading to a great deal of webbed-feet and confusion about which cousin is which.
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: A mysterious odour is probably blameless for all. Mary learns today what it means that: as hard as nails. Someone finally notices everything. Remember: half the cast voted for this storyline.
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20:00 |
You carry a pink umbrella and you're not gay?
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Current / consumer affairs |
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20:00PM to 20:30PM.
Series outing those who are clearly gay but not aware of it.
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20:30 |
If it moves - kill it, screw it or give it up for adoption
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Soap |
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20:30PM to 21:00PM.
Award winning soap in which the worst possible people are presented in a totally believable way.
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: Voices will be raised; expectations lowered. Can Michaela face the truth about turning goth? Michaela is left regretting speaking to another man's wife. Realistic is an anagram of this show's name.
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21:00 |
It won't fit, it's too big!
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Comedy Film |
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21:00PM to 22:00PM.
Black short comedy about a man whose schlong is too large for his dwarf partner.
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22:00 |
Surely it's too late for news?!
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News / political programme |
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22:00PM to 22:30PM.
It's never too late. Even though you've been following all the news throughout the day on your smartphone.
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22:30 |
Killing in the name of Hyman Key
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Historical / Period Drama Series |
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22:30PM to 23:30PM.
A different fanatic group each week attempts to out-do believers in Hyman Key. Who will prevail?
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: Jesus considers the moral rights and wrongs of hoping for the best. Logic takes the high road in this action fraught drama; he is warned that thinking naughty thoughts May not be the right answer. It's all down to luck from here on in.
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23:30 |
Judge, Jury and Sexecutioner
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Genital health show |
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23:30PM to 00:30AM.
Porn stars choose whether, and how, to convict real-life felons.
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00:30 |
I love your snozz
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Romance Film |
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00:30AM to 02:00AM.
Joan Odom has a rather large appendage in this romantic comedy.
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Titanic Wreck Scanned, Celine Dion Weeps With Envy
George W Bush to Take Over as the New Host of The Price is Right and Finally Find the Weapons of Mass Destruction
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