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06:00 |
Wake up losers
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News / political programme |
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06:00AM to 08:30AM.
Insulting breakfast show that tells the viewer to wake up and smell the coffee.
Jet fuel can't melt steal beams
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08:30 |
Norma
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Genital health show |
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08:30AM to 09:00AM.
Classically trained chef Norma turns her hand to problem solving people's relationship issues and venereal diseases.
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09:00 |
Mary Russo
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Chat show |
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09:00AM to 10:30AM.
Chat show, only about half as interesting.
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10:30 |
Loose men
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Current / consumer affairs |
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10:30AM to 11:30AM.
Backslapping sexist pigs attempt to masquerade their show as relevant by occasionally discussing cancer.
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11:30 |
Not the whole penny
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Current / consumer affairs |
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11:30AM to 12:30PM.
Business studies professor Mary Nixon investigates what happens to all those decimal parts of computed wage-slips that "get lost in the system somewhere". Interviews with the idiots behind Superman 3, and the geniuses behind Office Space.
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12:30 |
News in the Afternoon
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News / political programme |
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12:30PM to 13:00PM. Due to legal restrictions, you may only pause this program once
Straight talking news show that doesn't shy away from showing you beheading videos.
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13:00 |
And in the morning the rash should be gone
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Soap |
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13:00PM to 13:30PM.
It's always fun at the Doctors' - new drama series with Henry Key and Robert Key
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: Carl learns today what the hell it means when they say a man of straw needs a woman of gold. Does anyone follow plot lines? He wonders if this is the week to wish you a merry christmas. Is this the end of everything good?
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13:30 |
The street where you live
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Soap |
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13:30PM to 14:00PM.
Truly award winning* soap based on a totally normal street near you.
*Not actually award winning
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: Matthew begins to think about the future. Seven hundred and eighty five sweaty dogs died in the making of this episode. Everything seems to change with someone growing a beard. Alledgedly?
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14:00 |
I just want my money, that's all
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Auction show |
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14:00PM to 15:00PM.
People stand around pretending to be interested while an old man wearing tweed tells them how much money their crap from the mantelpiece costs.
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15:00 |
Avery does crime & time
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Crime / Murder mystery Series |
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15:00PM to 16:00PM.
Denim jeans salesman Lisa Avery performs a misdeed and is jailed in this weekly drek.
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: Voices will be raised; expectations lowered. As someone uncovers the smell coming from next door, clowns wish you a merry christmas. Will Blaine ever discover what Blaine did that weekend? What does this even mean?
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16:00 |
The investigator did it
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Crime / Murder mystery Series |
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16:00PM to 16:30PM.
Weekly escapades of naughty detective Guilt, attempting to solve crimes that he himself committed.
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: George learns today what it means that: the beaten path is safest, and he that Mary is toasting bread on the radiators. What will the neighbours think?
Morally repugnant
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16:30 |
Hands-down pants-down
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Quiz show |
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16:30PM to 17:00PM.
Wacky quiz in which contestants must guess who is their partner by examining their genitals.
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17:00 |
News close to you
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News / political programme |
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17:00PM to 17:30PM.
A summary of all the regional drama that happened outisde the shopping centre near where you live.
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17:30 |
News in the Evening
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News / political programme |
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17:30PM to 19:00PM.
Hope you're back from your day job, because this is what we feed you when you're too tired to move or find the remote control.
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19:00 |
All this used to be fields
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Soap |
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19:00PM to 19:30PM.
Sexy young couples, old people, and nothing in between, all fight and flooze together in one amazing farming community.
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: The trouble with eating squirrel meat begins to change the overall effect of the maps of the underground what is swallowed once, is never attempted again. Guy Lutz learns today what it means that: experience is the father of wisdom.
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19:30 |
People who live next door
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Soap |
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19:30PM to 20:00PM.
Australian soap. Four hundred people dwell in a single street, presumably leading to a great deal of webbed-feet and confusion about which cousin is which.
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: Mary Cowan knows Karin's little secret about picking up the milk bottles nude. Someone reveals everything. Looking backwards doesn't bother Mary as much as it did Karin. What will the neighbours say?
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20:00 |
You carry a pink umbrella and you're not gay?
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Current / consumer affairs |
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20:00PM to 20:30PM.
Series outing those who are clearly gay but not aware of it.
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20:30 |
If it moves - kill it, screw it or give it up for adoption
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Soap |
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20:30PM to 21:00PM.
Award winning soap in which the worst possible people are presented in a totally believable way.
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: It occurs to Michaela Davies that having an affair is probably not for the best, and will have to face the consequences of thinking naughty thoughts. No-one is sure Michaela is even serious. Can this be allowed to continue?
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21:00 |
Torture and happiness
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Documentary |
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21:00PM to 22:00PM.
A frank look at sado-maschism in the modern age: from spank nurses that visit work desks, to pocket ball-pincher devices, we examine this new world that is unravelling before our eyes.
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22:00 |
Surely it's too late for news?!
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News / political programme |
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22:00PM to 22:30PM.
It's never too late. Even though you've been following all the news throughout the day on your smartphone.
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22:30 |
Unsaved document
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Crime / Murder mystery Series |
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22:30PM to 23:30PM.
High tech police drama where police attempt to recover data from students who lose their unsaved homework.
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: No matter what occurs in this episode, no one will ever change their behaviour. Everything seems to change with someone reformatting the computer. Everyone forgets what happened recently. The rub of the green.
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23:30 |
You got it stuck in there, you get it out
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Hospital drama |
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23:30PM to 00:00AM.
Medical drama starring Edna Bright and Charles Schaefer. 30 goddamn minutes of constant hell.
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: Everyone forgets what happened recently. Kevin Stuart considers the moral rights and wrongs of hoping for the best. Is this the end for everyone?
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00:00 |
National Blood Day
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Horror Film |
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00:00AM to 02:00AM.
Based on the true events of 13 September 2013 in Illinois, when forty eight people killed themselves because of a covenant forged with the government. But who were these people? And how deep does the government conspiracy go? Most likely, not very.
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Titanic Wreck Scanned, Celine Dion Weeps With Envy
George W Bush to Take Over as the New Host of The Price is Right and Finally Find the Weapons of Mass Destruction
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