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06:00 |
Wake up losers
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News / political programme |
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06:00AM to 08:30AM.
Insulting breakfast show that tells the viewer to wake up and smell the coffee.
Jet fuel can't melt steal beams
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08:30 |
Norma
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Genital health show |
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08:30AM to 09:00AM.
Classically trained chef Norma turns her hand to problem solving people's relationship issues and venereal diseases.
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09:00 |
Mary Russo
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Chat show |
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09:00AM to 10:30AM.
Chat show, only about half as interesting.
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10:30 |
Loose men
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Current / consumer affairs |
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10:30AM to 11:30AM.
Backslapping sexist pigs attempt to masquerade their show as relevant by occasionally discussing cancer.
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11:30 |
Not the whole penny
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Current / consumer affairs |
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11:30AM to 12:30PM.
Business studies professor Mary Nixon investigates what happens to all those decimal parts of computed wage-slips that "get lost in the system somewhere". Interviews with the idiots behind Superman 3, and the geniuses behind Office Space.
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12:30 |
News in the Afternoon
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News / political programme |
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12:30PM to 13:00PM. Due to legal restrictions, you may only pause this program once
Straight talking news show that doesn't shy away from showing you beheading videos.
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13:00 |
And in the morning the rash should be gone
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Soap |
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13:00PM to 13:30PM.
It's always fun at the Doctors' - new drama series with Henry Key and Robert Key
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: Carl might just regret sickening, and strikes out today, just as everyone predicted. Everyone wonders what horrors will be next. Some ideas are meant to be rejected; some make it this far.
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13:30 |
The street where you live
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Soap |
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13:30PM to 14:00PM.
Truly award winning* soap based on a totally normal street near you.
*Not actually award winning
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: Matthew will have to face the consequences of becoming jewish, and learns today what the hell it means when they say after dinner rest a while, after supper walk a mile. Will Matthew discover the truth about what happens when not sellotaping the letterbox shut each night before bed? Can the tension last while Matthew is still there? The past is always blamed for the re-appearance of clowns.
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14:00 |
I just want my money, that's all
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Auction show |
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14:00PM to 15:00PM.
People stand around pretending to be interested while an old man wearing tweed tells them how much money their crap from the mantelpiece costs.
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15:00 |
Avery does crime & time
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Crime / Murder mystery Series |
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15:00PM to 16:00PM.
Denim jeans salesman Lisa Avery performs a misdeed and is jailed in this weekly drek.
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: Blaine will have to face the consequences of growing a beard. The rub of the green.
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16:00 |
The investigator did it
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Crime / Murder mystery Series |
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16:00PM to 16:30PM.
Weekly escapades of naughty detective Guilt, attempting to solve crimes that he himself committed.
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: Stop signs provide at least three hundred and thirty three percent of the drama. What won't the neighbours think?
Morally repugnant
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16:30 |
Hands-down pants-down
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Quiz show |
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16:30PM to 17:00PM.
Wacky quiz in which contestants must guess who is their partner by examining their genitals.
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17:00 |
News close to you
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News / political programme |
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17:00PM to 17:30PM.
A summary of all the regional drama that happened outisde the shopping centre near where you live.
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17:30 |
News in the Evening
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News / political programme |
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17:30PM to 19:00PM.
Hope you're back from your day job, because this is what we feed you when you're too tired to move or find the remote control.
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19:00 |
All this used to be fields
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Soap |
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19:00PM to 19:30PM.
Sexy young couples, old people, and nothing in between, all fight and flooze together in one amazing farming community.
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: It occurs to Guy that wearing shoes that are too small is probably not for the best. It's time for Guy to tell the truth about Maynard. Someone discovers something. Realistic is an anagram of this show's name.
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19:30 |
People who live next door
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Soap |
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19:30PM to 20:00PM.
Australian soap. Four hundred people dwell in a single street, presumably leading to a great deal of webbed-feet and confusion about which cousin is which.
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: Can Mary face the truth about driving nude from the waist down? Can the tension last while Mary is still there? She can't seem to catch a break. When someone is caught looking backwards, who knows what will happen next?
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20:00 |
You carry a pink umbrella and you're not gay?
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Current / consumer affairs |
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20:00PM to 20:30PM.
Series outing those who are clearly gay but not aware of it.
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20:30 |
If it moves - kill it, screw it or give it up for adoption
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Soap |
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20:30PM to 21:00PM.
Award winning soap in which the worst possible people are presented in a totally believable way.
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: Regardless of what recurs today, nobody will learn from their mistakes. What is swallowed once, is never attempted again. No-one is sure Michaela is even serious. One hundred and twenty nine star wars figures died in the making of this episode. Possibly?
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21:00 |
Torture and happiness
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Documentary |
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21:00PM to 22:00PM.
A frank look at sado-maschism in the modern age: from spank nurses that visit work desks, to pocket ball-pincher devices, we examine this new world that is unravelling before our eyes.
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22:00 |
Surely it's too late for news?!
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News / political programme |
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22:00PM to 22:30PM.
It's never too late. Even though you've been following all the news throughout the day on your smartphone.
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22:30 |
Unsaved document
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Crime / Murder mystery Series |
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22:30PM to 23:30PM.
High tech police drama where police attempt to recover data from students who lose their unsaved homework.
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: Forgiveness is hard to come by. Some ideas are meant to be rejected; some make it this far.
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23:30 |
You got it stuck in there, you get it out
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Hospital drama |
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23:30PM to 00:00AM.
Medical drama starring Edna Bright and Charles Schaefer. 30 goddamn minutes of constant hell.
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: The trouble with avoiding washing begins to change the overall effect of the gloves made from cotton wool voices will be raised; expectations lowered. Kevin learns today what the hell it means when they say a drowning man will clutch at a straw. Can the tension last while Kevin is still there? Someone's bound to notice this only happened once someone mentioned tickling the ivories.
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00:00 |
It's stuck to my face
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Horror Film |
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00:00AM to 02:00AM.
Whatever it is: it's stuck to her goddamned face, and with no obvious way of removing it. Oh, and it looks pretty scary, whatever it is. No, it's not a mole. No, not even one of those with a hair in it. And... NO! It's not a fucking cold sore! What's wrong with you people? It's scary, possibly alien, maybe some out of control microbial bacterial mega-fuck up from some lab somewhere. OK?
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Titanic Wreck Scanned, Celine Dion Weeps With Envy
George W Bush to Take Over as the New Host of The Price is Right and Finally Find the Weapons of Mass Destruction
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