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06:00 |
Wake up losers
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News / political programme |
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06:00AM to 08:30AM.
Insulting breakfast show that tells the viewer to wake up and smell the coffee.
Jet fuel can't melt steal beams
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08:30 |
Norma
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Genital health show |
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08:30AM to 09:00AM.
Classically trained chef Norma turns her hand to problem solving people's relationship issues and venereal diseases.
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09:00 |
Mary Russo
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Chat show |
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09:00AM to 10:30AM.
Chat show, only about half as interesting.
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10:30 |
Loose men
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Current / consumer affairs |
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10:30AM to 11:30AM.
Backslapping sexist pigs attempt to masquerade their show as relevant by occasionally discussing cancer.
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11:30 |
Not the whole penny
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Current / consumer affairs |
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11:30AM to 12:30PM.
Business studies professor Mary Nixon investigates what happens to all those decimal parts of computed wage-slips that "get lost in the system somewhere". Interviews with the idiots behind Superman 3, and the geniuses behind Office Space.
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12:30 |
News in the Afternoon
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News / political programme |
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12:30PM to 13:00PM. Due to legal restrictions, you may only pause this program once
Straight talking news show that doesn't shy away from showing you beheading videos.
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13:00 |
And in the morning the rash should be gone
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Soap |
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13:00PM to 13:30PM.
It's always fun at the Doctors' - new drama series with Henry Key and Robert Key
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: Carl Lutz wonders what it would be like to not go around polishing shoes with goat urine, and he can't seem to catch a break, and he will have to face the consequences of worshipping false idols. Nobody knows, and nobody cares. Alledgedly?
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13:30 |
The street where you live
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Soap |
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13:30PM to 14:00PM.
Truly award winning* soap based on a totally normal street near you.
*Not actually award winning
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: Can the tension last while Matthew is still there? Worshipping false idols doesn't bother Matthew as much as it did Kiara, and he is warned that playing the piano May not be the right answer. What did happen last episode, anyway? Is this the beginning of the end?
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14:00 |
I just want my money, that's all
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Auction show |
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14:00PM to 15:00PM.
People stand around pretending to be interested while an old man wearing tweed tells them how much money their crap from the mantelpiece costs.
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15:00 |
Avery does crime & time
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Crime / Murder mystery Series |
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15:00PM to 16:00PM.
Denim jeans salesman Lisa Avery performs a misdeed and is jailed in this weekly drek.
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: Blaine can't seem to catch a break, and he decides it might be time to drop clothes to the floor. A new arrival comes to visit, and he wonders if this is the week to chop it off and hope for the best. Is this what passes for entertainment these days?
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16:00 |
The investigator did it
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Crime / Murder mystery Series |
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16:00PM to 16:30PM.
Weekly escapades of naughty detective Guilt, attempting to solve crimes that he himself committed.
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: George has flashbacks to turning goth. What did happen last episode, anyway? George is warned that doing bad things May not be the right answer. Will George confess to Mary about driving nude from the waist down? Is this the end of everything good?
Morally repugnant
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16:30 |
Hands-down pants-down
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Quiz show |
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16:30PM to 17:00PM.
Wacky quiz in which contestants must guess who is their partner by examining their genitals.
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17:00 |
News close to you
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News / political programme |
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17:00PM to 17:30PM.
A summary of all the regional drama that happened outisde the shopping centre near where you live.
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17:30 |
News in the Evening
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News / political programme |
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17:30PM to 19:00PM.
Hope you're back from your day job, because this is what we feed you when you're too tired to move or find the remote control.
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19:00 |
All this used to be fields
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Soap |
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19:00PM to 19:30PM.
Sexy young couples, old people, and nothing in between, all fight and flooze together in one amazing farming community.
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: As someone finally notices the past, bloody knives eat garlic to avoid sex. Guy is polishing shoes with goat urine, and learns today what it means that: the receiver is as bad as the thief.
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19:30 |
People who live next door
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Soap |
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19:30PM to 20:00PM.
Australian soap. Four hundred people dwell in a single street, presumably leading to a great deal of webbed-feet and confusion about which cousin is which.
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: Mary learns today what the hell it means when they say what you eat today walks and talks tomorrow. Everything seems to change with someone becoming jewish, and uncovers the truth about Karin, and decides to discuss the long term peace treaty. Possibly?
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20:00 |
You carry a pink umbrella and you're not gay?
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Current / consumer affairs |
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20:00PM to 20:30PM.
Series outing those who are clearly gay but not aware of it.
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20:30 |
If it moves - kill it, screw it or give it up for adoption
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Soap |
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20:30PM to 21:00PM.
Award winning soap in which the worst possible people are presented in a totally believable way.
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: Seven hundred and seventy one clowns died in the making of this episode. Michaela uncovers that Cecil is growing a beard; she decides to drop clothes to the floor. Can Michaela face the truth about avoiding washing? Why has nobody thought of this before?
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21:00 |
Torture and happiness
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Documentary |
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21:00PM to 22:00PM.
A frank look at sado-maschism in the modern age: from spank nurses that visit work desks, to pocket ball-pincher devices, we examine this new world that is unravelling before our eyes.
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22:00 |
Surely it's too late for news?!
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News / political programme |
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22:00PM to 22:30PM.
It's never too late. Even though you've been following all the news throughout the day on your smartphone.
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22:30 |
Unsaved document
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Crime / Murder mystery Series |
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22:30PM to 23:30PM.
High tech police drama where police attempt to recover data from students who lose their unsaved homework.
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: smelly feet provide at least one hundred and thirteen percent of the drama. What did happen last episode, anyway? Voices will be raised; expectations lowered. . Who will save the situation?
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23:30 |
You got it stuck in there, you get it out
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Hospital drama |
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23:30PM to 00:00AM.
Medical drama starring Edna Bright and Charles Schaefer. 30 goddamn minutes of constant hell.
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: Kevin threatens to eat garlic to avoid sex. The future is always blamed for the re-appearance of severed limbs.
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00:00 |
Quizzical Nizzical
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Sci-Fi Film |
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00:00AM to 02:00AM.
Numbers are John Jackson's forte, but when aliens respond to his ham-radio homing signal, it's up to him to baffle them with science, and possibly Fermat's theorems.
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