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06:00 |
Wake up losers
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News / political programme |
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06:00AM to 08:30AM.
Insulting breakfast show that tells the viewer to wake up and smell the coffee.
Jet fuel can't melt steal beams
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08:30 |
Norma
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Genital health show |
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08:30AM to 09:00AM.
Classically trained chef Norma turns her hand to problem solving people's relationship issues and venereal diseases.
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09:00 |
You carry a pink umbrella and you're not gay?
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Current / consumer affairs |
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09:00AM to 09:30AM.
Series outing those who are clearly gay but not aware of it.
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09:30 |
Astrology from uranus
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Current / consumer affairs |
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09:30AM to 10:30AM.
Spoof magician presents this weekly show forecasting hilarious doom for everyone.
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10:30 |
Loose men
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Current / consumer affairs |
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10:30AM to 11:30AM.
Backslapping sexist pigs attempt to masquerade their show as relevant by occasionally discussing cancer.
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11:30 |
Not the whole penny
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Current / consumer affairs |
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11:30AM to 12:30PM.
Business studies professor Mary Nixon investigates what happens to all those decimal parts of computed wage-slips that "get lost in the system somewhere". Interviews with the idiots behind Superman 3, and the geniuses behind Office Space.
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12:30 |
News in the Afternoon
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News / political programme |
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12:30PM to 13:00PM. Due to legal restrictions, you may only pause this program once
Straight talking news show that doesn't shy away from showing you beheading videos.
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13:00 |
And in the morning the rash should be gone
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Soap |
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13:00PM to 13:30PM.
It's always fun at the Doctors' - new drama series with Henry Key and Robert Key
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: Carl wonders if this is the week to discuss the long term peace treaty. Logic takes the high road in this action fraught drama, and he learns today what the hell it means when they say always in a hurry, always behind, and he wonders what it would be like to not go around playing the piano. Is this what passes for entertainment these days?
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13:30 |
The street where you live
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Soap |
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13:30PM to 14:00PM.
Truly award winning* soap based on a totally normal street near you.
*Not actually award winning
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: No matter what happens today, none of these idiots will ever change their behaviour. A new arrival comes to visit. Everyone will wonder if this is even possible.
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14:00 |
I just want my money, that's all
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Auction show |
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14:00PM to 15:00PM.
People stand around pretending to be interested while an old man wearing tweed tells them how much money their crap from the mantelpiece costs.
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15:00 |
Avery does crime & time
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Crime / Murder mystery Series |
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15:00PM to 16:00PM.
Denim jeans salesman Lisa Avery performs a misdeed and is jailed in this weekly drek.
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: What did happen last episode, anyway? Blaine wonders if this is the week to give less of a monkeys. The trouble with playing the piano begins to change the overall effect of the bass guitars. And that's the end of that.
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16:00 |
The investigator did it
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Crime / Murder mystery Series |
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16:00PM to 16:30PM.
Weekly escapades of naughty detective Guilt, attempting to solve crimes that he himself committed.
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: George Guilt reveals that Mary is being unable to locate things without use of the tongue. Will Mary ever discover what George did that summer? George learns today what the hell it means when they say facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored. Seven hundred and sixteen people died in the making of this episode. It can only end with someone becoming jewish.
Morally repugnant
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16:30 |
Hands-down pants-down
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Quiz show |
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16:30PM to 17:00PM.
Wacky quiz in which contestants must guess who is their partner by examining their genitals.
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17:00 |
News close to you
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News / political programme |
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17:00PM to 17:30PM.
A summary of all the regional drama that happened outisde the shopping centre near where you live.
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17:30 |
News in the Evening
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News / political programme |
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17:30PM to 19:00PM.
Hope you're back from your day job, because this is what we feed you when you're too tired to move or find the remote control.
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19:00 |
All this used to be fields
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Soap |
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19:00PM to 19:30PM.
Sexy young couples, old people, and nothing in between, all fight and flooze together in one amazing farming community.
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: Can the tension last while Guy is still there? It's time for Guy to tell the truth about Maynard. Is this the beginning of the end?
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19:30 |
People who live next door
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Soap |
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19:30PM to 20:00PM.
Australian soap. Four hundred people dwell in a single street, presumably leading to a great deal of webbed-feet and confusion about which cousin is which.
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: Mary strikes out today, just as everyone predicted. Everyone forgets what happened recently. Someone reveals nothing. And that's the end of that.
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20:00 |
Weekly MP bribe
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Current / consumer affairs |
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20:00PM to 20:30PM.
Examining the various bribes that have been given to MPs this week in order to maintain the status quo of rich people controlling everything.
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20:30 |
If it moves - kill it, screw it or give it up for adoption
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Soap |
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20:30PM to 21:00PM.
Award winning soap in which the worst possible people are presented in a totally believable way.
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: It's time for Michaela to tell the truth about Cecil; she discovers the truth about Cecil. Everyone wonders what horrors will be next. Does anyone seriously care?
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21:00 |
I done killed the witch
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Documentary |
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21:00PM to 22:00PM. Available only for recording to VHS or Betamax.
The series borne from the 30 minute documentary that originally aired as "Oz, 2014 - it's not Kansas anymore. Come to think of it, it never was, it was Oz.". Get ready for L. Frank Baum's classic to get horribly murdered with a combination of poor grammar and bright scenery.
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22:00 |
Surely it's too late for news?!
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News / political programme |
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22:00PM to 22:30PM.
It's never too late. Even though you've been following all the news throughout the day on your smartphone.
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22:30 |
Killing in the name of Hyman Key
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Historical / Period Drama Series |
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22:30PM to 23:30PM.
A different fanatic group each week attempts to out-do believers in Hyman Key. Who will prevail?
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: Jesus "h" Christ wonders if this is the week to wish you a merry christmas. Martha is startled to discover that Martha knows everything.
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23:30 |
You got it stuck in there, you get it out
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Hospital drama |
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23:30PM to 00:00AM.
Medical drama starring Edna Bright and Charles Schaefer. 30 goddamn minutes of constant hell.
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: Can Kevin face the truth about bottomless bathing? Considers the moral rights and wrongs of going for a long walk. This week: fonzie jumps the shark.
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00:00 |
Aborted love
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Drama Film |
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00:00AM to 02:00AM.
A harrowing tale following a man who steals aborted foetuses from a hospital in order to care for them at home.
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Titanic Wreck Scanned, Celine Dion Weeps With Envy
George W Bush to Take Over as the New Host of The Price is Right and Finally Find the Weapons of Mass Destruction
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