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06:00 |
Wake up losers
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News / political programme |
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06:00AM to 08:30AM.
Insulting breakfast show that tells the viewer to wake up and smell the coffee.
Jet fuel can't melt steal beams
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08:30 |
Norma
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Genital health show |
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08:30AM to 09:00AM.
Classically trained chef Norma turns her hand to problem solving people's relationship issues and venereal diseases.
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09:00 |
Lawks a lordy
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Current / consumer affairs |
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09:00AM to 10:00AM.
Topical show in which people try to outdo each other with pre-watershed insults.
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10:00 |
Weekly MP bribe
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Current / consumer affairs |
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10:00AM to 10:30AM.
Examining the various bribes that have been given to MPs this week in order to maintain the status quo of rich people controlling everything.
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10:30 |
Loose men
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Current / consumer affairs |
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10:30AM to 11:30AM.
Backslapping sexist pigs attempt to masquerade their show as relevant by occasionally discussing cancer.
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11:30 |
Not the whole penny
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Current / consumer affairs |
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11:30AM to 12:30PM.
Business studies professor Mary Nixon investigates what happens to all those decimal parts of computed wage-slips that "get lost in the system somewhere". Interviews with the idiots behind Superman 3, and the geniuses behind Office Space.
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12:30 |
News in the Afternoon
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News / political programme |
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12:30PM to 13:00PM. Due to legal restrictions, you may only pause this program once
Straight talking news show that doesn't shy away from showing you beheading videos.
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13:00 |
And in the morning the rash should be gone
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Soap |
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13:00PM to 13:30PM.
It's always fun at the Doctors' - new drama series with Henry Key and Robert Key
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: Will Carl confess to Jillian about reading the wrong newspapers? No-one is sure Carl is even serious, and he is warned that sickening May not be the right answer, and he decides it might be time to give less of a monkeys. The smell coming from next door is always blamed for the re-appearance of herbivores.
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13:30 |
The street where you live
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Soap |
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13:30PM to 14:00PM.
Truly award winning* soap based on a totally normal street near you.
*Not actually award winning
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: As someone discovers the odd looks from strangers, severed limbs chew on the bones of the dead. What did happen last episode, anyway? Matthew notices the truth about Kiara, and he learns today what it means that: two heads are better than one. Realistic is an anagram of this show's name.
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14:00 |
I just want my money, that's all
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Auction show |
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14:00PM to 15:00PM.
People stand around pretending to be interested while an old man wearing tweed tells them how much money their crap from the mantelpiece costs.
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15:00 |
The investigator did it
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Crime / Murder mystery Series |
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15:00PM to 15:30PM.
Weekly escapades of naughty detective Guilt, attempting to solve crimes that he himself committed.
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: Does anyone follow plot lines? Will Mary ever discover what George did that weekend when caught stroking someone else's beard? George wonders what it would be like to not go around avoiding washing. Can this be allowed to continue?
Morally repugnant
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15:30 |
Avery does crime & time
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Crime / Murder mystery Series |
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15:30PM to 16:30PM.
Denim jeans salesman Lisa Avery performs a misdeed and is jailed in this weekly drek.
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: Blaine begins to think about the odd looks from strangers. No-one is sure Blaine is even serious, and he wonders what it would be like to go around identifying as goatkin, and he decides it might be time to wish you a merry christmas. Will anyone ever find out?
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16:30 |
Hands-down pants-down
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Quiz show |
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16:30PM to 17:00PM.
Wacky quiz in which contestants must guess who is their partner by examining their genitals.
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17:00 |
News close to you
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News / political programme |
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17:00PM to 17:30PM.
A summary of all the regional drama that happened outisde the shopping centre near where you live.
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17:30 |
News in the Evening
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News / political programme |
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17:30PM to 19:00PM.
Hope you're back from your day job, because this is what we feed you when you're too tired to move or find the remote control.
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19:00 |
All this used to be fields
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Soap |
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19:00PM to 19:30PM.
Sexy young couples, old people, and nothing in between, all fight and flooze together in one amazing farming community.
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: Guy Lutz finally notices that Maynard is toasting bread on the radiators. It occurs to Guy that being bad at spelling is probably not for the best; he has flashbacks to not telling anyone their real name; he considers the moral rights and wrongs of eating squirrel meat. When was your birthday, pretty eyes?
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19:30 |
People who live next door
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Soap |
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19:30PM to 20:00PM.
Australian soap. Four hundred people dwell in a single street, presumably leading to a great deal of webbed-feet and confusion about which cousin is which.
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: Mary is always being late; she knows Karin's little secret about looking backwards.
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20:00 |
You carry a pink umbrella and you're not gay?
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Current / consumer affairs |
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20:00PM to 20:30PM.
Series outing those who are clearly gay but not aware of it.
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20:30 |
If it moves - kill it, screw it or give it up for adoption
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Soap |
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20:30PM to 21:00PM.
Award winning soap in which the worst possible people are presented in a totally believable way.
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: As the saying goes: a little body doth often harbour a great soul. Everything seems to change with someone being ready for the worst. Michaela considers the moral rights and wrongs of going for a long walk. It could happen to anyone, so why not?
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21:00 |
It won't fit, it's too big!
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Comedy Film |
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21:00PM to 22:00PM.
Black short comedy about a man whose schlong is too large for his dwarf partner.
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22:00 |
Surely it's too late for news?!
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News / political programme |
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22:00PM to 22:30PM.
It's never too late. Even though you've been following all the news throughout the day on your smartphone.
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22:30 |
Killing in the name of Hyman Key
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Historical / Period Drama Series |
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22:30PM to 23:30PM.
A different fanatic group each week attempts to out-do believers in Hyman Key. Who will prevail?
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: Turning goth doesn't bother Jesus as much as it did Martha, and he learns today what it means that: fools rush in where angels fear to tread, and he is left regretting being in pyjamas all day long. Is this the same plotline we used last year?
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23:30 |
Judge, Jury and Sexecutioner
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Genital health show |
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23:30PM to 00:30AM.
Porn stars choose whether, and how, to convict real-life felons.
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00:30 |
The rainbow is my lover
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Musical Film |
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00:30AM to 02:00AM.
Following the musical escapades of one Christian and his quest to cure himself of gay.
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