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06:00 |
Wake up losers
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News / political programme |
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06:00AM to 09:00AM.
Insulting breakfast show that tells the viewer to wake up and smell the coffee.
Jet fuel can't melt steal beams
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09:00 |
The Good Loaf
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Food / drink show |
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09:00AM to 10:00AM.
Bakery show presented by outlandish and outrageous naked ladyboy duo Mary and Wanda.
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10:00 |
Does this smell right to you?
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Food / drink show |
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10:00AM to 10:30AM.
Consumer friendly cooking show with Salvatore Woodard. From fridges to last night's leavings - no part of your culinary habits will go unmolested.
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10:30 |
On your bike
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Current / consumer affairs |
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10:30AM to 11:00AM.
Consumer affairs show, visiting workplaces where employees are fired on camera, then given a free bicycle for no good reason.
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11:00 |
Lawks a lordy
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Current / consumer affairs |
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11:00AM to 12:00PM.
Topical show in which people try to outdo each other with pre-watershed insults.
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12:00 |
News in the Afternoon
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News / political programme |
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12:00PM to 12:30PM. Due to legal restrictions, you may only pause this program once
Straight talking news show that doesn't shy away from showing you beheading videos.
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12:30 |
I just want my money, that's all
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Auction show |
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12:30PM to 13:30PM.
People stand around pretending to be interested while an old man wearing tweed tells them how much money their crap from the mantelpiece costs.
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13:30 |
How the sun lost its shine
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Reality show |
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13:30PM to 14:30PM.
Reality show pitting eight contestants against each other in a tug of war using live animals. Each week a new animal.
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14:30 |
Sport on steroids
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Sport |
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14:30PM to 17:00PM. Available only for recording to VHS or Betamax.
Tune in to discover the new world of professional steroid fuelled sports.
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17:00 |
News in the Evening
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News / political programme |
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17:00PM to 17:30PM.
Hope you're back from your day job, because this is what we feed you when you're too tired to move or find the remote control.
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17:30 |
News close to you
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News / political programme |
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17:30PM to 18:00PM.
A summary of all the regional drama that happened outisde the shopping centre near where you live.
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18:00 |
Flipped turned upside down
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Comedy Series |
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18:00PM to 18:30PM.
Fish out of water comedy. A young teen moves from swanky Hollywood suburb to West Philadelphia; shown up by spoiled "cool" cousin; witheringly destroyed by down to earth Uncle.
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: Everyone forgets what happened recently. A mysterious odour is probably thankful for something. The luck of the draw.
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18:30 |
I turned pro, but I don't earn any money
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Talent show |
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18:30PM to 19:30PM.
Professional acts stumble their way through terrible performances only to be "ripped a new one".
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19:30 |
Annoyingly witty chums
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Comedy Series |
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19:30PM to 20:00PM.
Comedy series charting the intricate sex lives of five twenty-something, highly attractive, witty New Yorkers, who never have to struggle with any real life problems.
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: Martin has the presence of mind to consider bothering goats on a daily basis. Is this the same plotline we used last year?
Contains OCD about shoes.
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20:00 |
Surely it's too late for news?!
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News / political programme |
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20:00PM to 20:30PM.
It's never too late. Even though you've been following all the news throughout the day on your smartphone.
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20:30 |
Norma
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Genital health show |
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20:30PM to 21:00PM.
Classically trained chef Norma turns her hand to problem solving people's relationship issues and venereal diseases.
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21:00 |
I'll get it right next time
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Hospital drama |
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21:00PM to 22:00PM.
Holy City hospital, downtown Illinois - you never quite know who's going to die, but everyone learns from their mistakes.
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: No-one is sure Edward is even serious.
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22:00 |
You got it stuck in there, you get it out
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Hospital drama |
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22:00PM to 22:30PM.
Medical drama starring Edna Bright and Charles Schaefer. 30 goddamn minutes of constant hell.
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: No-one is sure Kevin is even serious. Alledgedly?
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22:30 |
Mary Russo
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Chat show |
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22:30PM to 00:00AM.
Chat show, only about half as interesting.
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00:00 |
National Blood Day
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Horror Film |
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00:00AM to 02:00AM.
Based on the true events of 13 September 2013 in Illinois, when forty eight people killed themselves because of a covenant forged with the government. But who were these people? And how deep does the government conspiracy go? Most likely, not very.
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Titanic Wreck Scanned, Celine Dion Weeps With Envy
George W Bush to Take Over as the New Host of The Price is Right and Finally Find the Weapons of Mass Destruction
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