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"EU may move on Brexit deal," says Hammond. "Or they may not."

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Philip Hammond, the UK's Chancellor of the Exchequer, said the EU may be willing to move on the "red lines" it had imposed on the deal it had negotiated for the UK to leave the EU.

He was not sure if they would be willing to move the yellow lines or the green lines or the lines they had drawn in the sand and rubbed out before drawing them in again.

He said they would certainly refuse to drop the backstop as they definitely wanted to prevent the door closing on their exorbitant salaries, expenses, perks and the little wafers they get with their coffee.

Jean Claude Juncker, the Luxembourgish face of the EU, denied eating more than his fair share of wafers and reaffirmed that the white lines around his personal parking space would definitely not be moved.

Hammond warned of a "very significant disruption" from a no-deal Brexit.

In reply, Juncker nibbled another wafer.

In other news, Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy all confirmed that they really do exist, in a statement issued by the British Undead Living Lifestyle Society for Highly Imbecilic Trivia.

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