Boffins at Laughingstate University yesterday released a report DAMNING UK schools for allowing pupils to share bodily fluids. The act, described by scientists as KISSING, was alleged to have been allowed in up to 97% of schools, and in those schools a WHOPPING 7% of children were found to have contracted nits, or head-lice. James Marteen, head chef at Laughingstate, told us:
"It's a real problem, no doubt about it. My kids came home covered in the bugs, hair hopping around like a bad toupee. I asked them outright - have you been kissing? They denied it, but I knew they were lying because I've seen those kids at school, and I want to kiss every last one of them. Hello? Hello? Are you still there? There's something wrong with this phone. Here, Dave -"
Unfortunately a technical problem prevented us from completing the call.
School heads are baffled by the recent claims, with one going as far as to call it "poppycock", which we're wilfully going to assume is a rude word, so we're even more horrified at the state of language used by school heads.
"Children will always have head-lice. It's not an STD for goodness' sake," said head of St Mippin's school for the criminally insane, Mrs Poppy Cock.
The study, which has now gone to science journal FACTOIDLICIOUS for peer review, is set to be debated in the house of commons next week. Let's hope Fat Dave and Jezbollah sort this problem out.