Only strong northern accents to be allowed on BBC in future says Director General

Tim Davie, BBC's incumbent Director General, has declared war southerners by announcing that all future employees of the corporation must speak with northern regional accents. From broad Lancastrian bleating to emphatic Yorkshire bellowing, the only future voices allowed on air must be incomprehensible by the average person, requiring the use of either interpreters or subtitling.

"It's a bit peculiar," said Eno Sharples in her clipped ironically-BBC pronunciation. "I heard one of them talk about a Wigan Kebab the other day. I assumed it would be some delicately spiced minced meat in a filo parcel. But it turned out to be a pie inside a bread roll. Even with the assistance of on-screen prompting, I simply don't understand these people."

Davie, originally from London, said that the move was important to show that the BBC has no regional bias and is committed to allowing all broad regional and national dialects to be well represented in the BBC's programming output.

"Where I'm from," he said, "we take it for granted that anyone with a strong accent is likely an interferer of sheep, or some sort of tea-leaf. But this is wrong. It's wrong, wrong, wrong. Tough on crime. Tough on the causes of crime. Arrest Tony Blair!"

We unfortunately had to call a halt to the interview due to Mr Davie's subsequent mental breakdown. He is due to be replaced later this year by some other bizarre character that used to work for the Conservative party.