Clown vs Sleepy Joe: let battle commence

Washington D.C. - As if 2024 wasn't likely to be tough enough on Americans, it looks like we're in for another round of political drama as Joe Biden and Donald Trump gear up for a presidential run-in sequel nobody asked for.

The two aging politicians, whose combined age is equivalent to the number of years it feels like we've been in quarantine, are preparing for their second set of debates in as many elections. According to sources, the candidates are already trading insults on Twitter, with Biden calling Trump a "clown" and Trump referring to Biden as "Sleepy Joe."

Most Americans are less than thrilled about the prospect of another showdown between the two candidates, with many feeling like we're living in a political Groundhog Day. "I don't even know how to feel anymore," said Mia Johnson, a 32-year-old from Ohio. "It's like we're stuck in some kind of political purgatory. In fact, I bet purgatory is more fun. It probably has toys for the kiddies, and pretzels once a year."

Many Americans are also questioning whether either candidate is fit to lead the country, with concerns about Trump's erratic behavior and Biden's tendency to forget where he is. "I mean, I know Biden is supposed to be the safe choice, but I honestly can't tell if he's running for president or trying to find his way back to the nursing home," said John Smith, a retired veteran from Florida.

Despite the general disdain for the candidates, avid supporters are still rallying behind them with their trademark catch phrases. Trump supporters are yelling "Make America Great Yet Again Today Not Tomorrow" while Biden supporters chant "Build Buns Better."

When asked about the upcoming debate, Trump was confident in his abilities, saying "I'm going to crush Sleepy Joe like a bug. Like a yhooooge bug with antlers and feelers and great big balls. Crushed until ooze oozes out. You know I can do it. I can do it."

Biden, on the other hand, seemed less sure of himself, responding with a confused look and a muttered "Where am I? Is Jaws 5 out yet?"

With the first debate being widely regarded as a sh*tshow, many are worried about what this second one will bring. "I feel like we're watching a bunch of kindergarteners arguing over a toy," said Sarah Williams, a mother of three from Texas. "Except instead of a toy, it's the fate of our country. And instead of a country, it's a mess of hillbillies and blue haired pair. It's like the plot of Smurfs 3."

Despite the uncertainty and general feeling of frustration among Americans, it seems like we're all in this for the long haul. May the best geriatric candidate win.

As one anonymous Twitter user put it, "Can we all agree to just nuke the whole political system and start from scratch at this point? Just the political system, mind. Putin, get your grubby mitts off."