Vajazzle outbreak causes school lock-down

A viral outbreak of vajazzling (va-jazzle-ing) has caused a lower Manhattan school to go on lock-down, after terrified parents and staff were forced to endure the effects of an extreme vajazzle spread. City officials have, as yet, been unable or unwilling to confirm that the outbreak is a variant of the Kardashian-K virus that affected Los Angeles schools in 2014, but rumours on the internet and online magazine gawker suggest a likely link.

"C'mon," said Facebook user SmellmyBeef, "It's as plain as Harry Potter's ginger friend that this is all the fault of celebrity culture, and the K family need to hold their hands up. And anyway, arent the Kardashians in Star Trek: Deep Space Nine? I get confused. They look a bit like that Quark fellow."

Pupils at the school in question, St John of the Beloved, have so far only been able to communicate with mobile cell phone devices that they've hidden on their person, although no-one has as yet confirmed exactly where they've been hiding. School staff are under strict order to prevent smart phone devices being used, as they are thought to be one of the known ways the disease transmits, in meme form. One pupil allegedly reached out to an uncle. stating that the vajazzle outbreak was so bad that some were having difficulty going to the bathroom.

"You know it's serious," said John Artcastle, uncle of Jemima Boner, a pupil of St John's, "when your kid has gemstones popping up all over their whoo-haa. It's like a form of vaginal acne, but crazier."

No known cure for vajazzling has yet been developed, but Laughingstate University scholars have been working on an antidote for several years. Unfortunately, though they appear to have a solution that can reduce the problems, the method of injection is so rude that most parents refuse to allow their children to be molested in such ways.

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