Businessman breaks record for breaking record players

Businessman Dale Peters has today broken the World Record for breaking record players. Peters, 43, has been breaking record players since he was seven years old, which, he tells us rather candidly, explains his limp.

"I broke my first record player by accident, and my father attacked me so hard that when he kicked my legs away from under me, the bone broke the skin of my thigh. Beautiful man, my father. Harsh, but fair."

The world record, corroborated by Guinness, the same people who make the black beer, this morning stood at 15 broken record players in seven minutes. As Peters stood up on the podium to begin his own attempt, the peaceful quiet that seemed to surround and penetrate his body reminded this journalist of a young Jedi Knight called Ralph Macchio.

"When I stood up there, the four people in the audience held their breaths and I felt like I could suck up their energy. Then I started breaking the record players in front of me like I was a madman," Peters recalls.

The moment came as the first record player was held aloft and a red rage misted over Peters' eyes before he started yelling:

"You f**king ba**ard fuc**ng b*st*rd. I could have been a f*c*i*g go*da*ned athlete and you broke my best leg and killed my w*ore of a mother. You fu**ing w**ki*g bas**r*ing c*t*ng bi*ch of a f**ker..."

The record was eventually broken within just three minutes, and the eventual toll was 43 broken record players. Mr Peters was admitted to Cookville County Hospital, where he is currently announcing his next record attempt to become the first hedgehog to eat bread without exploding.