Man greases wheels to get ahead in life - shocker

The business world is reeling today from revelations by Jack Stoner, an otherwise normal man, who has suggested that he occasionally might 'grease the wheels' a little, in order to 'get ahead.

Stoner, 42, made the suggestions during a business conference extolling the virtues of moral code business dealings, and has thoroughly upset the delegates and the wider business world.

"It's a surprise to me!" Stoner told us, mopping his brow with the handkerchief we lent him in order to ensure an exclusive interview. "Seems to me that everyone does it - you give a little here, take a little there; it's part of life. Sometimes you do things a little bit beyond what you'd normally except, sometimes it's things that are complete anathema. You do what you need to make the deal work. That's what I was always taught."

This comes in direct contradiction to published findings last week suggesting that global business was morally strong, rarely if ever straying away from doing what was righteous. Indeed, a quotation from the findings reads:

"... it's clear that businesses always do what's good for people, the environment, the economies, government - in short, they are perfect examples of righteousness. No business has ever, for example, hired anyone (or failed to hire anyone) based on the configuration of their face or body; their race; their creed; their nationality; their financial status; or their gender. "

It is apparent that many people are surprised - wholeheartedly surprised - by pretty much everything to do with this story. Several people have open-handedly slapped their own cheeks when we told them the news, similar to that seen in Munch's "The Scream".