Bank sponsored think-tank to suggest self-regulation as cure for cancer

ThinkBiggerBetterFasterStronger, a British based think-tank with strong ties to National Westminster Bank, has today released findings in a report that purports to show that banking self-regulation can literally be a cure for cancer. The report, which has allegedly taken several unspecified measures of time to generate, has generated a storm of interest, particularly amongst the banking sector.

Roger Hargreaves, branch manager of HSBC in Coventry, told us:

"It's about bloody time that people out there realised that we're not playing games, here. Banks, their staff, and their owners are essentially a form of meritocracy. We know better than the average person - that's why we're in the roles we are. Frankly, it's time to use our intellectual prowess to take back control of the banks, and eventually the government."

Hargreaves, 48, uncomfortably besuited, and with a shocking comb-over, continued to tell us why he believes the report to be correct.

"It stands to reason. Those generating the report are the cleverest people in the country. If they say that self-regulation cures cancer, then it's pretty obvious that it does. I don't even understand why you're asking these questions. Are you Noel Edmonds? Jeremy Beadle?"

While this reporter would love to be either of the suggested bearded gentlemen, the conversation was unfortunately cut short by an elderly gent weeing himself while stuck in a 25 minute queue to get to the counter and pay in his pension money.

The full report, which goes out to newspapers next week, is said to include a free whistle with every copy.