World Business

Mother's Day Candles mostly made of congealed monkey sweat

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Shocking news has come out of the US today following one of the most successful Mother's Day in recent history. Yesterday, 71% of mothers received some sort of card or gift from their offspring, garnering a whopping $14.8 billion in revenue for companies across the states. Candles themselves made up 18% of all sales, but those gifts may now seem bitter-sweet after revelations that, in order to meet demand, manufacturers turned to the congealed sweat of primates as a gelling agent in Mother's Day candles.

As anyone knows who has bought a candle for a special occasion, they tend to be slightly different to the normal waxy candle that is used primarily for lighting. These "cosmetic candles", as they are known, contain many more ingredients to make their odour, longevity, look, and sometimes texture, more befitting for a gift, than an off-white stick. However, one of the ingredients certainly has tongues wagging, as reported by gift-receiver, and mother, Momma Cappa:

"I got one of these candles from my boy. It was red and shiny, I thought it was really pretty - in the shape of an apple. You could almost eat it, it looked so nice and smelled so wonderful. But for some reason I read the ingredients, or agents, or whatever they call them - and I was surprised! One of the items read 'sudo-clura' - which, as anyone will tell you, is latin for ape sweat!"

We checked with the manufacturer of the "Love Apple" candle, Herewax, about the claim:

"I'm sorry, but the customer has got it all wrong. The sudo-clura agent doesn't mean ape sweat - the very idea is ridiculous. We don't use the sweat of apes because they're too big for our needs and don't produce enough of the stuff because they're so lazy. No, no - our primary ingredient is the sweat of a monkey, because those little guys are forever scampering around."

The news has caused many share prices in candle business to drop dramatically overnight, with Herewax and Candlebra losing 42% and 57% of yesterday's share prices, respectively. You could say they've gone up in smoke! But if you did you'd be reprimanded by your internal editor.

The funny news item you've just read is FICTITIOUS. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental or is intended purely as a satire, parody or spoof.

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