US economic growth down to me, claims Trump

Today's news of 2.3% US economic growth in the three months to June have been claimed as a personal triump by Donald Trump. As part of his campaign to become US Republican candidate in the upcoming "Race for the White House TM", Trump and his supporters have been attempting to gather incontrovertible proof that his candidacy would best suit the nation, and this claim is the latest to come from it.

"It's a beautiful truth," said Trump's right-hand man, Giffus Awl. "Donald has almost single handedly pulled through US through the troubled and incomprehensible mismanagement of Obama - if that is his real name. Our lord and leader will continue to strive to work for the American people, both home and abroad. We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight! We're going to live on! We're going to survive!"

Awl, who has close ties with Saudi Arabia, Texaco, Petrochemworld, GunsRWe and various other shell companies whose reason for being is so far undetermined, is likewise bullish about Trump's latest claim.

"2.3% growth - and let's not forget that the Democrats are purposefully selecting counting methods which lower that figure because they know Donald is behind it - is an astonishing number for someone with an outward appearance like Donald to have personally created. Claims that he personally spent billions of dollars to help generate this figure are preposterous."

Trump himself has spent most of the week trying to niblick his way out of the bunker on hole 9 of the Florida Keys golf club. His star has been on the rise since the turn of the year when declaring himself candidate for Republican leader, and thus on the election roster for President. In that time he has both endeared himself, and disgusted in equal measure, the US public, for essentially being the caricature that he is. We here at Laughsend look forward to following him further.