Dick Dastardly to change first name to Richard

The quintessential enemy of the people, Dick "The Dastard" Dastardly, has today announced through the media that he wishes to change his first name to Richard. The change is to come into force at the stroke of midnight on Friday, and those who do not abide by his wishes will, he says, "make the list".

The change itself will apparently be fairly straightforward. Dastardly, 89, was born Richard Fusilier Garamond Dastardly, but took up the name Dick during the 1940s when the moniker was both popular and scandal-free. As the rather more rude connotions of the word grew through the decades, Dastardly now feels that the change is required in order to retain respect.

"You see kids these days with their Twittering and Bookfacing, and you just want them to play with TNT like I used to. They were better days. When I first signed up on Twitter I received private messages of support from a lot of forty year olds, praising me for my past actions, knowing what an influence I'd been on their lives. But the teenagers... they had no respect at all - memes about my Dick became a constant joke. Well, I'm sick of it, and I demand respect!"

Dastardly originally considered reverting to his original first name in the years following the Nixon presidency; though any unfortunate idiots who dared called Dastardly "Tricky Dicky" would certainly not live to try again. Some commentators have suggested that the change is likely to be an attempt to prize himself back into the public eye before appearing on something like Big Brother. Dastardly's agents assure us, however, that everything is on the level.

"He simply wants to retire with dignity," says Sir Robert Muttley the Third, Dastardly's wheezing chief agent and science advisor. "Sscchhh sssccchhh sssccchhh heeeaiiii!"