Paltrow to consciously couple with Higgs Boson

Gwyneth Paltrow has today announced plans to consciously couple with the sub-atomic particle known as the Higgs Boson. The actress, 48, has been on something of a hipster binge in recent years, possibly as a result of coupling with ultimate hipster's-hipster, Chris Martin. Paltrow has declared her intention to couple with the Boson as a sort of philosophical and metaphysical journey, claiming that it will "cleanse [her] flaura-fauna-aura".

Paltrow has been strangely talkative recently, and has conducted a number of interviews in which she has described her life with Martin, and Coldplay, as, and we paraphrase, an up-and-down affair that took her on a mental roller coaster. As her life and his intertwined, so did the nature of the fandom they each witnessed: his from the band Coldplay, hers from the Iron Man franchise.

Coldplay, who were themselves exceptionally hipster before they were famous, and more-so afterwards, converse to the natural tendency, were at their formation a hipster's dream. They did, of course, fly out of style the moment a pop magazine mentioned their name but as their general popularity has declined once again over the years, hipsters have once again "flocked" (though as secretly as possible) to their side. Similarly, her own career with Iron Man, along with friend Robert Downey Junior, has ebbed and flowed like a giant rat infested dungeon. (Are the rats giant, or is the dungeon giant and the rats relatively normal sized? Ed.) Regardless, the relationship between herself and the millions of people who she doesn't know but who have undoubtedly had a very real effect on her, has apparently caused Paltrow to investigate her inner-self in a way that only graphene engineers and quantum physicists can truly appreciate. In her own words:

"I want to know what it is that I am made of. I feel I've come so far; I am Schrodingers Cat; I am Steven Segal's toothpaste; I am Carl Sagan's dreamscape. By consciously coupling with the Higgs Boson, I hope to cleanse my flaura-fauna-aura."

Some dare to dream; some celebrities can just afford to give it a crack. Or smoke crack. Do people still smoke crack? Course they do. People will do anything... once, at least.