World Health Sci / Tech

Bandages cause cancer, claims North Korean science advisor

story image about bandages and cancer Ouch! Bandage pain
Report story

North Korean Science Advisor, Kim Sung Sung Il Kum Sing, has today released findings into a seven year long study into the potential dangers of bandages. The results, printed in popular North Korean medical journal "Body Bits", claim that bandages are hazardous to almost every part of one's health, and specifically spell out the dangers that long-term bandaging can have on rates of cancer. The full study, released six months ago but only recently translated into English, include some truly shocking discoveries about bandages and cloth-wrappings of every kind.

"The experiments we undertook showed that almost all the people we interviewed that had used bandages in the last few years were generally unwell, either before or after, and usually for quite some period. Using an inversion of the Duckworth/Arroway bald-induction projection we see that the incident rate of serious injury tallies almost exactly with exposure to bandages. We can conclude from this that 'Western Medicine' is exactly as dangerous and permissive as our Great Leaders have been saying for generations."

The study claims that the obsession with treating, protecting and administering to open wounds is directly responsible for rates of disease across the world - and something they lay directly at the door of western society, regardless of whether that's actually true. The gradual disappearance of more traditional forms of eastern medicine that eschew these methods, says the report, is a conspiracy that the President of the USA has been collaborating with for decades.

"Cancer is one of the the West's biggest killer and their biggest medical fear. If only they looked at the evidence more closely then they would see, as we have done, that if they simply stopped treating their other illnesses, diseases and injuries with bandages and the like, then cancer rates would fall quite dramatically."

Sir Clive Cliffton, head of medicine at Laughstone University, declined to comment on the North Korean findings. Well, that's not exactly true, it's just that we couldn't stop him laughing for long enough to comment.

Given Time, by Paul London Given Time, by Paul London

Get Weekly Funny Stuff in your Inbox

Subscribe to our weekly newsletter

Headlines like this

thumbnail for item Tea not coffee

Man runs out of coffee; tweets about it

World Health 0

A man today went to make himself a fresh mug of instant coffee, only to find that the coffee tin was empty. Apparently chagrinned by the lack of coffee in the house, that man had...

read more
6 years ago
thumbnail for item Jesus hates Leather

Leather on skin causes cancer

World Health 0

A Christian "Science" group has today released findings suggesting that leather clothing can cause skin cancer. The group, dubbed "Science For Baby Jesus" have been studying, rath...

read more
6 years ago


This content hasn't made people froth at the mouth with comments yet. Why not be the first to add one?

To add a comment you must first sign up and login.

Given Time, by Paul London

Funny stuff

Get our funny weekly newsletters straight to your inbox
Subscribe to funny newsletter
or Find out more first

Consider checking us out and following us on social media:

Taurus horoscope

Laugh and the world laughs at you. Or at least, it'll seem like that this week. You are more alert during your waking......

Full horoscope

More from Laughsend

Tourism booming in Venezuela: A Laughsend Special Report   Punny History  
Create your own Laughsend story
Free sign up / Login
Funny newsletter Funny RSS feed