Bandages cause cancer, claims North Korean science advisor

North Korean Science Advisor, Kim Sung Sung Il Kum Sing, has today released findings into a seven year long study into the potential dangers of bandages. The results, printed in popular North Korean medical journal "Body Bits", claim that bandages are hazardous to almost every part of one's health, and specifically spell out the dangers that long-term bandaging can have on rates of cancer. The full study, released six months ago but only recently translated into English, include some truly shocking discoveries about bandages and cloth-wrappings of every kind.

"The experiments we undertook showed that almost all the people we interviewed that had used bandages in the last few years were generally unwell, either before or after, and usually for quite some period. Using an inversion of the Duckworth/Arroway bald-induction projection we see that the incident rate of serious injury tallies almost exactly with exposure to bandages. We can conclude from this that 'Western Medicine' is exactly as dangerous and permissive as our Great Leaders have been saying for generations."

The study claims that the obsession with treating, protecting and administering to open wounds is directly responsible for rates of disease across the world - and something they lay directly at the door of western society, regardless of whether that's actually true. The gradual disappearance of more traditional forms of eastern medicine that eschew these methods, says the report, is a conspiracy that the President of the USA has been collaborating with for decades.

"Cancer is one of the the West's biggest killer and their biggest medical fear. If only they looked at the evidence more closely then they would see, as we have done, that if they simply stopped treating their other illnesses, diseases and injuries with bandages and the like, then cancer rates would fall quite dramatically."

Sir Clive Cliffton, head of medicine at Laughstone University, declined to comment on the North Korean findings. Well, that's not exactly true, it's just that we couldn't stop him laughing for long enough to comment.