Modern lifestyle healthy claims psychotic

Psychotic Christian Bell has today announced that the modern lifestyle is "perfectly healthy", in direct contradiction to common sense, science, and how most people feel. Bell, who currently holds the world record for dangling heavy weights from her long flowing ponytails, is currently on tour promoting her book "You are all weak!". We caught up with her (which wasn't hard actually, those heavy weights impede progress):

"Modern life is easy, not rubbish!" she began. She seemed to be chewing a thin lead bar. "It's that everyone's gone soft like a baby's flabby arm. If you can't stay up 23 hours a day, performing at least 3 simultaneous tasks, then there's something wrong with you in your brain chunks, but not your body. You need to be exorcised of the demon that says 'Woe is me! I have two jobs! I have seven kids! I can't cope!' Well of course you can - it's all in your mind."

While performing the interview, it's worth noting that Bell practices what she preaches: she was completing a chapter for her new book "Even Jesus Wept While Doing Three Other Things"; peeling potatoes with her feet, and crushing her recyclable cans using kegle exercises.

"Perhaps when people stop playing the blame game and start simply living life, they'll realise it's completely possible to take everything in your stride. No problems!"

Until then, she suggests that we all take time out of our "busy" schedules to do the following:

• Read a book and write one at the same time.
• Go for a run while chopping dinner vegetables.
• Eat dinner while sleeping.
• Sing songs about love while having arguments.