US News Health

Fat people are the healthiest, says new US study

story image about fat and health A health meal
Report story

A new study in the US has declared that fat people are actually the healthiest demographic, proved by their apparent thriving throughout America. The study, conducted by streetside vox pop, along with an occasional doorstep survey, has indicated that 42% of all those they surveyed were, in fact, considered obese by global standards, and an astounding 97% had at least 1 family member who would fit into that category. However, the study concluded that if being overweight was in fact dangerous, that these numbers should be much lower due to a higher death rate. That the numbers of obese continue to rise indicates instead that being fat is in fact healthy, and that the overweight thrive.

"It's completely spurious and makes no sense whatsoever," claimed Arnie Pike, head technoscientist at Laughingwell College, Texas. "But we think that just makes it all the more compelling. The numbers don't lie - obesity is spreading like a horrific disease, so it proves it must be healthy!"

We questioned Mr Pike about whether the life expectancy of those who are overweight was affected at all by their condition, to which he responded:

"It's entirely possible. But I don't think it was on the survey. It would be very silly to ask people who are alive what their life expectancy was, wouldn't it? Yes, I rather think so. Yes. I am right."

Health scienticians throughout the world are today preparing papers and articles that aim to disprove the findings, but they are thought to be unlikely to be published within the next decade. Ann Moore, fat skeptic, told us:

"The problem is that papers take a long time to write. We have a lot of research to do, which takes time and money. So first we'll have to lobby for funds to do the research, which could take years. Those McDonalds' people really come down hard on anyone trying to seriously debunk the positive fat-myths. And after that, well, we're a feckless bunch, and it could take a while before we actually do anything at all. So - yeah, probably a decade or two before we'll have the results. You're not going to write this down in your article are you?"

Until any evidence is produced debunking this latest study, we say to hell with diets and water. Long live the fat!





The funny news item you've just read is FICTITIOUS. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental or is intended purely as a satire, parody or spoof.

Headlines like this

thumbnail for item Tea not coffee

Man runs out of coffee; tweets about it

World Health 0

A man today went to make himself a fresh mug of instant coffee, only to find that the coffee tin was empty. Apparently chagrinned by the lack of coffee in the house, that man had...

read more
11 years ago
thumbnail for item Jesus hates Leather

Leather on skin causes cancer

World Health 0

A Christian "Science" group has today released findings suggesting that leather clothing can cause skin cancer. The group, dubbed "Science For Baby Jesus" have been studying, rath...

read more
11 years ago

Comments

This content hasn't made people froth at the mouth with comments yet. Why not be the first to add one?

To add a comment you must first sign up and login.


Capricorn horoscope

Feeling locked up when you're in an open park is a sure sign that you're slightly claustrophobic. This horoscope was......

Full horoscope

More from Laughsend

thumbnail for Celine Dion news story Titanic Wreck Scanned, Celine Dion Weeps With Envy thumbnail for Bush news story George W Bush to Take Over as the New Host of The Price is Right and Finally Find the Weapons of Mass Destruction
Funny RSS feed