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Fat people are the healthiest, says new US study

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A new study in the US has declared that fat people are actually the healthiest demographic, proved by their apparent thriving throughout America. The study, conducted by streetside vox pop, along with an occasional doorstep survey, has indicated that 42% of all those they surveyed were, in fact, considered obese by global standards, and an astounding 97% had at least 1 family member who would fit into that category. However, the study concluded that if being overweight was in fact dangerous, that these numbers should be much lower due to a higher death rate. That the numbers of obese continue to rise indicates instead that being fat is in fact healthy, and that the overweight thrive.

"It's completely spurious and makes no sense whatsoever," claimed Arnie Pike, head technoscientist at Laughingwell College, Texas. "But we think that just makes it all the more compelling. The numbers don't lie - obesity is spreading like a horrific disease, so it proves it must be healthy!"

We questioned Mr Pike about whether the life expectancy of those who are overweight was affected at all by their condition, to which he responded:

"It's entirely possible. But I don't think it was on the survey. It would be very silly to ask people who are alive what their life expectancy was, wouldn't it? Yes, I rather think so. Yes. I am right."

Health scienticians throughout the world are today preparing papers and articles that aim to disprove the findings, but they are thought to be unlikely to be published within the next decade. Ann Moore, fat skeptic, told us:

"The problem is that papers take a long time to write. We have a lot of research to do, which takes time and money. So first we'll have to lobby for funds to do the research, which could take years. Those McDonalds' people really come down hard on anyone trying to seriously debunk the positive fat-myths. And after that, well, we're a feckless bunch, and it could take a while before we actually do anything at all. So - yeah, probably a decade or two before we'll have the results. You're not going to write this down in your article are you?"

Until any evidence is produced debunking this latest study, we say to hell with diets and water. Long live the fat!

The funny news item you've just read is FICTITIOUS. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental or is intended purely as a satire, parody or spoof.

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