Gerrard quits England

Steven Gerrard, a man, a plan, a van "SGerrard" by Stanislav Vedmid - Football.ua

Steven Gerrard, England's captain during the latest World Cup in Brazil, has today announced that he is retiring from England football duties. Gerrard, 34, is quitting after winning a substantial 114 caps for the national side, but nothing else of note save for an apparently valuable 5-1 defeat of Germany in 2001.

Gerrard, is best known for catch-phrases like:

Yeah, I mean, but, yeah.

Well, you know, it's erm, you know, it's good for, you know, like.

However, some are already decrying the day as a great loss to English football. Wayne "Wazza" Rooney "Roonster" told us:

"Aw, yeah, I mean, but yeah, Stevie G was, like, you know, so good for so long. It's going to take some, erm, y'know, sort of getting used to. I guess. Top player, top man. Top loss. Top cat. Top top."

Statistic watchers around the world have been reacting to the news with glee, as it has enabled them to come up with more varied and sordid ways of rejigging numbers to create areas of interest.

Some statistics that are already being bandied around by the likes of Twitter user StatsFucker4LifeDotCoDotUk:

England's overall charisma has increased by a whopping 1078%
The total number of vowels in the squad has decreased by 18%
People known to have stolen catchphrases from well known and respected comedians stays the same.
Tube-socks per head have reduced by an unknown margin.
Average penis size has shrunk*

* But it's a cold day; results may vary.

The funny news item you've just read is FICTITIOUS. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental or is intended purely as a satire, parody or spoof.

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Comments

#1 @ 10 years ago

by Beaver-Soap - Quiet veteran

oh boy... i'm here all week. :(

13 comments, registered 10 years ago

#2 @ 10 years ago

by Richard Adams - Quiet veteran

Beaver-Soap wrote

oh boy... i'm here all week. :(

I DOUBT THIS IS CORRECT.

27 comments, registered 11 years ago

#3 @ 10 years ago

by J_DAVENPORT - One-off wonder

Beaver-Soap wrote

oh boy... i'm here all week. :(

This bullshit is bullshit, and you know it. There are all sorts of reasons to dislike you, and this is one. :(.

1 comment, registered 11 years ago

#4 @ 10 years ago

by volcano jar - Ghost

J_DAVENPORT wrote

Beaver-Soap wrote

oh boy... i'm here all week. :(

This bullshit is bullshit, and you know it. There are all sorts of reasons to dislike you, and this is one. :(.

Sure, why not. :)

3 comments, registered 11 years ago

#5 @ 10 years ago

by dillonkidd - Ghost

J_DAVENPORT wrote

Beaver-Soap wrote

oh boy... i'm here all week. :(

This bullshit is bullshit, and you know it. There are all sorts of reasons to dislike you, and this is one. :(.

I'm furious that people have to read bollocks like this.

10 comments, registered 11 years ago

#6 @ 10 years ago

by Roald Dahl7 - Ghost

dillonkidd wrote

J_DAVENPORT wrote

Beaver-Soap wrote

oh boy... i'm here all week. :(

This bullshit is bullshit, and you know it. There are all sorts of reasons to dislike you, and this is one. :(.

I'm furious that people have to read bollocks like this.

Why does this not seem to bother anyone else?

10 comments, registered 11 years ago

#7 @ 10 years ago

by thomas hardy - Ghost

dillonkidd wrote

J_DAVENPORT wrote

Beaver-Soap wrote

oh boy... i'm here all week. :(

This bullshit is bullshit, and you know it. There are all sorts of reasons to dislike you, and this is one. :(.

I'm furious that people have to read bollocks like this.

Seem's shameful. :)

9 comments, registered 11 years ago

#8 @ 10 years ago

by Echo & the Bunnymen - Quiet veteran

dillonkidd wrote

J_DAVENPORT wrote

Beaver-Soap wrote

oh boy... i'm here all week. :(

This bullshit is bullshit, and you know it. There are all sorts of reasons to dislike you, and this is one. :(.

I'm furious that people have to read bollocks like this.

I LOATHE THIS KIND OF POOP, SO JUST ACCEPT THAT I'M RIGHT, DICKS. WEIRD, I TOOK A CRAP LAST NIGHT AND IT LOOKED PRETTY MUCH LIKE THIS.

12 comments, registered 11 years ago

#9 @ 10 years ago

by Richard Adams - Quiet veteran

thomas hardy wrote

dillonkidd wrote

J_DAVENPORT wrote

Beaver-Soap wrote

oh boy... i'm here all week. :(

This bullshit is bullshit, and you know it. There are all sorts of reasons to dislike you, and this is one. :(.

I'm furious that people have to read bollocks like this.

Seem's shameful. :)

YOU KNOW WHEN YOU TURN ON THE RADIO AND THERE ARE SONG LYRICS IN YOUR HEAD... THAT'S LIKE THIS MOMENT. WHATEVER YOU SAY, BISCUIT VAN.

27 comments, registered 11 years ago

#10 @ 10 years ago

by Beaver-Soap - Quiet veteran

Richard Adams wrote

thomas hardy wrote

dillonkidd wrote

J_DAVENPORT wrote

Beaver-Soap wrote

oh boy... i'm here all week. :(

This bullshit is bullshit, and you know it. There are all sorts of reasons to dislike you, and this is one. :(.

I'm furious that people have to read bollocks like this.

Seem's shameful. :)

YOU KNOW WHEN YOU TURN ON THE RADIO AND THERE ARE SONG LYRICS IN YOUR HEAD... THAT'S LIKE THIS MOMENT. WHATEVER YOU SAY, BISCUIT VAN.