Steven Gerrard, England's captain during the latest World Cup in Brazil, has today announced that he is retiring from England football duties. Gerrard, 34, is quitting after winning a substantial 114 caps for the national side, but nothing else of note save for an apparently valuable 5-1 defeat of Germany in 2001.
Gerrard, is best known for catch-phrases like:
Yeah, I mean, but, yeah.
Well, you know, it's erm, you know, it's good for, you know, like.
However, some are already decrying the day as a great loss to English football. Wayne "Wazza" Rooney "Roonster" told us:
"Aw, yeah, I mean, but yeah, Stevie G was, like, you know, so good for so long. It's going to take some, erm, y'know, sort of getting used to. I guess. Top player, top man. Top loss. Top cat. Top top."
Statistic watchers around the world have been reacting to the news with glee, as it has enabled them to come up with more varied and sordid ways of rejigging numbers to create areas of interest.
Some statistics that are already being bandied around by the likes of Twitter user StatsFucker4LifeDotCoDotUk:
- England's overall charisma has increased by a whopping 1078%
- The total number of vowels in the squad has decreased by 18%
- People known to have stolen catchphrases from well known and respected comedians stays the same.
- Tube-socks per head have reduced by an unknown margin.
- Average penis size has shrunk*
* But it's a cold day; results may vary.