UK News Sport

Gerrard quits England

story image about england and gerrard Steven Gerrard, a man, a plan, a van "SGerrard" by Stanislav Vedmid - Football.ua
Report story

Steven Gerrard, England's captain during the latest World Cup in Brazil, has today announced that he is retiring from England football duties. Gerrard, 34, is quitting after winning a substantial 114 caps for the national side, but nothing else of note save for an apparently valuable 5-1 defeat of Germany in 2001.

Gerrard, is best known for catch-phrases like:

Yeah, I mean, but, yeah.

Well, you know, it's erm, you know, it's good for, you know, like.

However, some are already decrying the day as a great loss to English football. Wayne "Wazza" Rooney "Roonster" told us:

"Aw, yeah, I mean, but yeah, Stevie G was, like, you know, so good for so long. It's going to take some, erm, y'know, sort of getting used to. I guess. Top player, top man. Top loss. Top cat. Top top."

Statistic watchers around the world have been reacting to the news with glee, as it has enabled them to come up with more varied and sordid ways of rejigging numbers to create areas of interest.

Some statistics that are already being bandied around by the likes of Twitter user StatsFucker4LifeDotCoDotUk:

  • England's overall charisma has increased by a whopping 1078%
  • The total number of vowels in the squad has decreased by 18%
  • People known to have stolen catchphrases from well known and respected comedians stays the same.
  • Tube-socks per head have reduced by an unknown margin.
  • Average penis size has shrunk*

* But it's a cold day; results may vary.





The funny news item you've just read is FICTITIOUS. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental or is intended purely as a satire, parody or spoof.

Headlines like this

thumbnail for item A generic football badge

Chelsea FC to be sold as drug for narcolepsy

UK News Sport 0

English Premier League football club Chelsea FC are said to be considering bottling their particular brand of recent football as a drug, to ensure long and trouble free sleeping....

read more
10 years ago
thumbnail for item David Moyes Gout Plane Banner

Moyes gout

World Sport 0

Manchester United boss David Moyes has today been revealed to be suffering from gout. The revelation came via an unusual means: a banner, flown from the back of a plane, displaying...

read more
10 years ago

Comments

#1 @ 10 years ago
by Beaver-Soap - Quiet veteran

oh boy... i'm here all week. :(

13 comments, registered 10 years ago
#2 @ 10 years ago
by Richard Adams - Quiet veteran

Beaver-Soap wrote

oh boy... i'm here all week. :(

I DOUBT THIS IS CORRECT.

27 comments, registered 10 years ago
#3 @ 10 years ago
by J_DAVENPORT - One-off wonder

Beaver-Soap wrote

oh boy... i'm here all week. :(

This bullshit is bullshit, and you know it. There are all sorts of reasons to dislike you, and this is one. :(.

1 comment, registered 10 years ago
#4 @ 10 years ago
by volcano jar - Ghost

J_DAVENPORT wrote

Beaver-Soap wrote

oh boy... i'm here all week. :(

This bullshit is bullshit, and you know it. There are all sorts of reasons to dislike you, and this is one. :(.

Sure, why not. :)

3 comments, registered 10 years ago
#5 @ 10 years ago
by dillonkidd - Ghost

J_DAVENPORT wrote

Beaver-Soap wrote

oh boy... i'm here all week. :(

This bullshit is bullshit, and you know it. There are all sorts of reasons to dislike you, and this is one. :(.

I'm furious that people have to read bollocks like this.

10 comments, registered 11 years ago
#6 @ 10 years ago
by Roald Dahl7 - Ghost

dillonkidd wrote

J_DAVENPORT wrote

Beaver-Soap wrote

oh boy... i'm here all week. :(

This bullshit is bullshit, and you know it. There are all sorts of reasons to dislike you, and this is one. :(.

I'm furious that people have to read bollocks like this.

Why does this not seem to bother anyone else?

10 comments, registered 10 years ago
#7 @ 10 years ago
by thomas hardy - Ghost

dillonkidd wrote

J_DAVENPORT wrote

Beaver-Soap wrote

oh boy... i'm here all week. :(

This bullshit is bullshit, and you know it. There are all sorts of reasons to dislike you, and this is one. :(.

I'm furious that people have to read bollocks like this.

Seem's shameful. :)

9 comments, registered 10 years ago
#8 @ 10 years ago
by Echo & the Bunnymen - Quiet veteran

dillonkidd wrote

J_DAVENPORT wrote

Beaver-Soap wrote

oh boy... i'm here all week. :(

This bullshit is bullshit, and you know it. There are all sorts of reasons to dislike you, and this is one. :(.

I'm furious that people have to read bollocks like this.

I LOATHE THIS KIND OF POOP, SO JUST ACCEPT THAT I'M RIGHT, DICKS. WEIRD, I TOOK A CRAP LAST NIGHT AND IT LOOKED PRETTY MUCH LIKE THIS.

12 comments, registered 10 years ago
#9 @ 10 years ago
by Richard Adams - Quiet veteran

thomas hardy wrote

dillonkidd wrote

J_DAVENPORT wrote

Beaver-Soap wrote

oh boy... i'm here all week. :(

This bullshit is bullshit, and you know it. There are all sorts of reasons to dislike you, and this is one. :(.

I'm furious that people have to read bollocks like this.

Seem's shameful. :)

YOU KNOW WHEN YOU TURN ON THE RADIO AND THERE ARE SONG LYRICS IN YOUR HEAD... THAT'S LIKE THIS MOMENT. WHATEVER YOU SAY, BISCUIT VAN.

27 comments, registered 10 years ago
#10 @ 10 years ago
by Beaver-Soap - Quiet veteran

Richard Adams wrote

thomas hardy wrote

dillonkidd wrote

J_DAVENPORT wrote

Beaver-Soap wrote

oh boy... i'm here all week. :(

This bullshit is bullshit, and you know it. There are all sorts of reasons to dislike you, and this is one. :(.

I'm furious that people have to read bollocks like this.

Seem's shameful. :)

YOU KNOW WHEN YOU TURN ON THE RADIO AND THERE ARE SONG LYRICS IN YOUR HEAD... THAT'S LIKE THIS MOMENT. WHATEVER YOU SAY, BISCUIT VAN.

you are super. you are completely right. ;)

13 comments, registered 10 years ago

To add a comment you must first sign up and login.


Taurus horoscope

The life of a party you most certainly aren't this weekend. Scraping the barrel doesn't always mean that you have......

Full horoscope

More from Laughsend

thumbnail for Celine Dion news story Titanic Wreck Scanned, Celine Dion Weeps With Envy thumbnail for Bush news story George W Bush to Take Over as the New Host of The Price is Right and Finally Find the Weapons of Mass Destruction
Funny RSS feed