Euro 2016 to become boxing competition; Russian hooligans to become expert ball jugglers

The Euro 2016 football tournament has so far been dominated, particularly in the British media, by ugly scenes of British and Russian fans engaged in street and terrace fighting. In response, UEFA, who are in charge of running the shambles, have decided to convert the tournament into a boxing competition instead of soccer. Tim Hookins reported from UEFA headquarters:

"It's quite the shambles here in Shambleton, Austria, UEFA's headquarters. Michel Platini, the current President of UEFA, has issued a statement saying that since football is already the minority sport in France at the tournament, that it might as well be embraced as the former main event. Fighting is now the main focus of the teams already gathered for the ongoing French tournament. The England team's odds have been slashed quicker than the tires of an ex-lover's car."

It is, however, the turnaround from the Russian gang fan-sites that have caught the eye. Organised hooligans are said to be annoyed at Platini's announcement, because it drastically takes away from the fun of the fight. One user, EyeCutYou, said:

"He's only gone and spoiled the whole tournament. I wanted to look proper hard going up against tourists and other innocent people who can't fight, and now it looks like everyone's going to be in on the action. What can we do to carry on being different, chaps?"

The answer came by consensus, from a online poll undertaken on the Russian football hooligan website FightForKidneys.com, which recommended that the most dangerous element of Russia's fighting gangs should take up football.

"It's a clever idea, and quite the switcheroo," said Tim Hookins, "UEFA will, however, no doubt crack down hard on this too. I expect arrests within days for street dribbling and excess soccer skills. To see masked Russian fans juggling balls and doing impressive numbers of keepie-uppies will be quite the spectacle."