Kim Jong-un admitted that the North Korean missile combat crew struggled with the test launch last week because he had taken the commander for a portion of stir-fry marinated chicken in a gochujang based sauce.
The North Korean leader said the crew phoned to inform him about a “small guidance system error” while he was asking a waiter to slice his carrots like the arm of a traitor.
He confirmed that the chicken was perfectly cooked and appealed to his unique chicken-tasting abilities before adding: “It’s not my favourite dish, but it’s certainly better than that crap you call Uncle Ben’s.
“Uncle Ben’s, what shit! Anyway, while I was busy plunging my chicken slices into delicious gochujang sauce, they told me the missile was plunging into the sea.”
North Korea’s Korean Central News Agency (KCNA) reported that the off-track missile hit a Japanese diver and Mr Kim was quoted as saying: “When my missile hits the US, they’ll look like men drowning in Wasabi.”
The KCNA confirmed that the UN security council have placed more sanctions on Pyongyang, including limited importation of vehicles, weapons and egg mcmuffins.
American nuclear experts said Mr Kim likes the sound of a ballistic missile but fails to understand that “ballistics” implies graphs, numbers and trajectories rather than destruction, fiery explosions and big mushroom clouds.
The experts said ballistics relates more to the science of mathematics and the terminal velocity of a particle and less to recreating the scene of Pompeii.
On Tuesday, Kim Jong-un claimed that he would never be caught by the US Army because under his suit he is naked, ready to run and well lubricated with sesame oil.
He said he was angered with the US for saying North Korea is on “worship mode”, that he has “Gone Large” and that his hair looks like he is being head-fucked by a little skunk.