Breaking news from North Korea today as officials unveil that a three year old child, Kum Yong, has independently developed a functioning nuclear weapon. The child, son of a farm working mother and a successful businessman father, is said to be giddy. North Korea's leader, Kim Jong-un, has declared that the development of the weapon marks a new milestone in the country's development.
"This is an age we live in. Ever striving for more, and becoming greater. We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight! We're going to live on! We're going to survive! Today we celebrate our... Korea Day!"
The child apparently created the device using mostly mud and the occasional discarded can of soft drink purloined from tourists. Although some have previously speculated that a nuclear weapon could potentially be created with a shoddy comb casing and used pinball machine parts, many have applauded Kum Yong's apparent success, attributing it to an advanced intelligence. His mother, Sung Yong, said:
"He is the apple of our eyes. Which means we want to eat him a little. But that's OK because we don't really have a food shortage. Although sometimes my stomach hurts so much I want to eat it."
Officials from other countries around the world have so far suggested that the news is 'interesting' and 'words'. Chinese Ambassador Yung Li apparently described Kum Yong, creator of the alleged weapon as 'a stupid head'. It has since become apparent the Yung Li is also a three year old.
In other news, Korea Day is now a thing thanks to the glorious leadership of Jong-un.