In a fit of patriarchy, men have decided to cancel Mother's Day due to what has been described as "a shoulder-shrugging lack of knowing what to buy". The move has astounded women across the globe, as the male heads of various corporations. including greetings card manufacturers and the heads of major gift companies such as Interflora, have collaboratively shut-up-shop against this Sunday's (UK) Mother's Day celebration.
"It's disgusting," said Amy Poller of Social Justice for Woman Network Against Beasts with Dangly Bits (SJWNABDB).
The move, thought to have been enacted only in the past twenty four hours, has not surprised Poller, but has enraged her:
"It was always going to happen sooner or later. These mother-denyers, and that isn't an overdub of a swear word, have - at the last minute mind you, how true to form - now cancelled the only celebration of womanhood that exists in the formal calendar. It doesn't shock me that it's happened, but it shocks me that anybody thinks that this is acceptable behaviour. Even for men."
How mother's day is calculated in the UK has long puzzled the average layperson, with the traditional answer allegedly being that it is the fourth Sunday in Lent. However, some have suggested that this year's apparent cancellation of Mother's Day is in fact a problem with having a moving target. Man on the street, James Arbo, told us:
"It's not that I don't want to celebrate it - it's that it keeps on bloomin' movin'! Last year it was 15th March, this year it's the 6th! And don't get me started on Easter! The problem is that idiots like me don't know what the hell a 'lent' is, but I think it's something to do with soup."
As it stands many mothers are set for disappointment this Sunday as the usual rituals of breakfast in bed and petrol station flowers are lost in the minds of male patriarchy. They will, after all, insist that they are right.