Study Shows Best Way To Beat A Murder Charge Is To Join The Police

Prof. C. Plainly, A Legal Researcher and professor of Law at the University of Missouri, has published his findings Tuesday after pouring through decades worth of cases involving murder, acts of violence, hate crimes and general negligence. He claims that the best guarantee of a Not Guilty verdict is to be a member of Law Enforcement.

One Ferguson defense attorney with knowledge of the study was able to use the information to form a successful murder defense.

When police arrived on the scene of a triple homicide at a shopping mall last November, they found defendant Gary Hughes standing over the bodies of three black males waving a gun in the air. He was shouting racially charged epithets and wearing a confederate flag T-shirt. Each of the victims had received multiple gun shot wounds.

In a statement after the case was dismissed, Hughes had this to say: "I thought I was going down for sure. I went into the shooting fully expecting to never see the light of day again." That sentiment was shared by his attorney, Allen Brinkman, who initially suggested they pursue an insanity defense until he recalled his former professor's research and used it to form a brilliant legal strategy. "A few weeks before the trial, Mr. Brinkman said I should join the police department. I figured it couldn't hurt to try and it worked. I was sworn in before the hearing and went to court wearing blue instead of orange."

"That really made all the difference," said Mr. Brinkman. "Average citizens just don't win these kinds of cases, but wearing the correct uniform will have the jury on your side."

That jury was never to return a verdict, however, since the prosecutor dropped all charges. "When we saw that the defendant was a police officer, we were very anxious to return a Not Guilty verdict," said Jury Foreman Klive Kevin Kanfield. "We were all disappointed that the case was dismissed."

"Everyone who viewed the evidence thought it was pretty open-shut," said the Prosecutor. "We had security footage that showed an unprovoked assault. The victims had no weapons. We had a statement from the defendant, claiming to have killed the victims, and a later search revealed all the plans in the defendant's diary. However, when we went back and reviewed the case after the first day of trial, and in light of the defendant's job, it seemed that we had over reacted. The footage now showed that the officer was doing his job and was in obvious fear for his life."

"It was a little unusual to be approached by Mr Brinkman and be asked to hire his client for the police force," said Chief Wimbly of Furguson PD. "We normally go through the formalities of Police Academy and Use of Force Training, but considering its effectiveness and our budgetary constraints, it seemed something we could dispense with. When I considered what he could do, and the fact that he is handy with a gun, the decision to hire Officer Hughes was a no-brainer. He turned out a good fit. Hughes is a fine officer and currently holds the highest score in his precinct."

"Oh, I'm loving the new job," said Hughes. "It's a lot of fun, more so than Call of Duty. So far, I've shot a teenage girl on her bicycle, a box full of kittens in full view of their family's children, a war veteran with PTSD and a couple of homeless people. I've won a few side wagers with guys in the department and I post my stats on social media. I think this could be a great career for me."