Donald Trump, the infamous wigged-haired one, was today accosted by two females in a bawdy attempt to garner further public support on the road to becoming "the first Republican President scarier than a Bush". The women passed over to Mr Trump a sponsor sheet, declaring that they had gathered thousands of signatures who have promised to pay on a "per half-inch" basis. When queried by the presumptive Republican candidate, it became clear that the item the ladies were refering to, was Trump's penis.
"At first I thought it was disgusting," said Barack Obama. "But then I wish I'd have thought of it."
Mr Trump at first declined the sponsorship offer, but was forced to relent as thousands of innocent gathered supporters bullied him into allowing it. With a tape measure on hand (the cloth kind, not mechanical - that could cause a nasty accident) the johnson in question was measured in a scene that was vaguely reminscent of the original Police Academy movie. Although the media has yet to have been told the exact score on the chart, many have speculated, mainly due to one of the women holding up pinky finger, that it must have been cold on the podium that day.
We caught up with one of those who signed up in advance to sponsor the results, and who told us that they were surprised by the actions.
"I'm surprised," said Tony Moreno, when advised of the actions. "I joined the sponsorship only because I thought there was no way anyone would have the guts to go up and actually get Trump to agree. Top marks to the ladies involved."
When asked how much Mr Moreno stood to lose, he laughed and wagged his littlest finger at us.
"I'm not telling. Oh hang on, my phone just pinged..."
Mr Moreno took several seconds looking at his cell phone before turning back to us.
"Well, I gave my cell number along with my donation amount, and they're starting to collect now. I guess it's no secret any more. I wagered 50c per half inch. Let's just say I'll have to borrow some money if I want a two dollar hotdog with onions. But if I hold the onions, I'll be just fine. I'm just glad it wasn't Obama. Dude is hung like a cane hanging off a door-knob."
Hotdogs, penis, measurements, small, Trump. All words that play into the hands of Democrats during the next few months. Back to you in the office, Keith.