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05:30 |
Breakfast news
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News / political programme |
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05:30AM to 09:00AM.
We eat pieces of news for breakfast.
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09:00 |
It's grim up north
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Home improvement show |
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09:00AM to 09:45AM.
Home improvement show focusing on all the worst parts of the north so that those living in the south can assume that slums are "normal" once you go beyond the M25.
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09:45 |
Surf's down, dude
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Soap |
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09:45AM to 10:15AM.
Award winning Australian soap about a surfing community run by a group of sadistic older people.
Episode details:
Season 3, Ep. 9: It's time for Leona to tell the truth about Chloe. No-one is sure Leona is even serious; she finds out that Chloe is stroking someone else's beard. Is this the inevitable result of going for a long walk?
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10:15 |
I couldn't eat my dinner, but I would like some pudding
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Kids show |
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10:15AM to 10:30AM.
Kids clips show.
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10:30 |
Exciting Fun with Poo Bear
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Kids show |
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10:30AM to 11:00AM.
Poo bear likes to his hands dirty.
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11:00 |
I ate it all in one sitting
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Food / drink show |
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11:00AM to 11:30AM.
Enormous foods and gastric surgery in one lip smacking, belly slapping, show.
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11:30 |
You know it's fresh when it cries on you
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Food / drink show |
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11:30AM to 12:00PM.
Butchery for beginners.
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12:00 |
Lunchtime news
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News / political programme |
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12:00PM to 12:30PM.
Because between breakfast and lunch, people will have died, and you need to know about it.
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12:30 |
Killer bee robots from Eastern Europe
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Science Fiction Series |
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12:30PM to 13:30PM.
Killer bees out to kill other bees in this novel US science fiction series.
Episode details:
Season 8, Ep. 9: soup in amusing shapes provide at least one hundred and seventy five percent of the drama. What did happen last episode, anyway?.
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13:30 |
Old man and his cart
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Auction show |
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13:30PM to 14:15PM.
Follow as he attempts to unload his "antiques" onto wine-quaffing buffoons.
Contains several scenes of wild beatings.
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14:15 |
Cook with whatever's left in your fridge
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Food / drink show |
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14:15PM to 15:00PM.
Celebrity Chef William Key visits people in their homes and cooks only with what's there in the fridge and cupboards.
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15:00 |
The odds aren't good but we still prevail every damned episode
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Science Fiction Series |
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15:00PM to 15:30PM.
Episodic calamity with attractive actors fighting aliens and any other sci-fi staples we can throw in there, only to continually win in the last few minutes.
Episode details:
Season 6, Ep. 8: One hundred cats died in the making of this episode. Logic takes the high road in this action fraught drama. Kill two birds with the one stone. Whoever consistently removes the cookie, really takes the biscuit.
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15:30 |
I was proud of my designing skills 'til you came along
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Home improvement show |
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15:30PM to 16:00PM.
Various people are humbled by foppish cads entering their homes and telling them how disgusting their home furnishing taste is.
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16:00 |
Play me that record again, I might recognise the tune
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Quiz show |
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16:00PM to 17:00PM.
Musical quiz; old people try to divine the tune by listening to the scratchy lead-in on an LP.
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17:00 |
Tears of a Clown
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Quiz show |
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17:00PM to 17:30PM.
Quiz show in which a professional clown is cowed by his peers until he has a nervous breakdown. Hosted by Kathryn Osborn
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17:30 |
Slags n Sluts
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Soap |
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17:30PM to 18:00PM.
Enjoyable soap.
Episode details:
Season 8, Ep. 47: Presenting neighbours with signed copies of their own photographs doesn't bother Tracy as much as it did Frank. Armpits provide at least five hundred and ninety four percent of the drama. A new arrival comes to visit. Frank is startled to discover that Frank knows everything. It really stands out, doesn't it?
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18:00 |
Evening news
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News / political programme |
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18:00PM to 18:45PM.
Your working day is over - so see what misery befell other people.
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18:45 |
Local news
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News / political programme |
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18:45PM to 19:00PM.
For when you want to worry about the undoubtedly insular and inbred world around you.
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19:00 |
Friends who are fat don't let fat friends eat fat
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Soap |
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19:00PM to 20:00PM.
New weight loss and swimming show; poolside antics likely to include cannonballing.
Episode details:
Season 5, Ep. 4: What is swallowed once, is never attempted again. Nobody knows, and nobody cares. Does anyone follow plot lines? What will the neighbours say?
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20:00 |
Mays is greater than Mathis
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Reality show |
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20:00PM to 21:00PM.
Albert Mays takes on Mary Mathis in a weekly test of endurance. From the team that created "I'll hit you so hard, I will".
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21:00 |
Wet wipes: a tale of woe
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Documentary |
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21:00PM to 21:30PM.
Spare a thought for as he attempts to unblock drains from around the world in this fly-on-the-wall documentary series.
The first three rows may get wet. But not in the good way.
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21:30 |
Night news
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News / political programme |
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21:30PM to 22:00PM.
Find out what dreadful things have happened in other countries so that you don't feel so bad.
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22:00 |
Hope springs
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Comedy Series |
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22:00PM to 22:30PM.
Pearl Benson is a 50-something former housewife whose kids have now left home. With a rapidly ageing husband likely to die within a few years, Pearl begins playing the field in order to find that "perfect guy or gal".
Episode details:
Season 5, Ep. 11: Sweet baby jesus and all his goblin minions is probably thankful for nothing. Woodchuck has been chucked.
Contains scenes of a sexual and/or gay nature.
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22:30 |
The rainbow is my lover
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Musical Film |
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22:30PM to 00:00AM.
Following the musical escapades of one Christian and his quest to cure himself of gay.
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00:00 |
Skeletons in the cupboard
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Documentary |
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00:00AM to 00:30AM. Record option unavailable, because your remote's batteries are low
Looking into the recent spates of serial murderers choosing to hide their wares in the dullest of places.
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00:30 |
Dance like yo legs is on fire!
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Music |
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00:30AM to 01:30AM.
Exclamation marks abound in this fun-filled hour of sassed-up jazz dancing. Improvised music takes on improv dance in this groovy chill out town of style and funk. Y'all!!!
Contains scenes of outrageous dancing.
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01:30 |
Tree rings: nature's lies
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Documentary |
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01:30AM to 02:30AM.
Documentary series tracking the eventful lives of seventy trees. Watch as they go from sapling to full-grown tree over a period of 150 years, and then test whether their rings make them DIRTY LYING WHORES!
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