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05:30 |
Breakfast news
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News / political programme |
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05:30AM to 10:00AM.
We eat pieces of news for breakfast.
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10:00 |
Listen to my cooking
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Food / drink show |
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10:00AM to 12:00PM.
Live morning special in which talented chefs get to sit around while clip shows are shown to the audience.
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12:00 |
Lunchtime news
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News / political programme |
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12:00PM to 12:15PM.
Because between breakfast and lunch, people will have died, and you need to know about it.
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12:15 |
Saturday Sports
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Sport |
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12:15PM to 13:30PM.
Sports extravaganza, featuring past sports heroes who have run out of drug money.
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13:30 |
Giraffes: nature's greatest threat
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Documentary |
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13:30PM to 14:15PM.
A stunning documentary charting the progress of a family of giraffes as they destroy the Serengeti.
Frequent scenes of nude animals.
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14:15 |
I feel it in my fingers
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Documentary |
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14:15PM to 15:15PM.
Investigating the mystery of "ghost limbs", featuring amputees from around the world.
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15:15 |
How drunken sex makes babies
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Documentary |
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15:15PM to 15:30PM.
Frank documentary for 13 year olds.
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15:30 |
If it's in my pants drawer, am I forced to wear it?
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Crime / Murder mystery Series |
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15:30PM to 16:00PM.
Weekly comedy crime mystery in which at least three people per episode are forced to cross-dress because they go undercover and nobody of the correct gender is available for some reason.
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 8: What is swallowed once, is never attempted again. To some degree or other, they've all thought about turning goth.
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16:00 |
Cook with whatever's left in your fridge
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Food / drink show |
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16:00PM to 16:45PM.
Celebrity Chef William Key visits people in their homes and cooks only with what's there in the fridge and cupboards.
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16:45 |
You cracked one off in the bathroom
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Quiz show |
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16:45PM to 17:15PM.
TV quiz show that attempts to get friends to spy on one another's toilet habits, and shame them in front of a live audience.
Some masturbation scenes; no visible leakage.
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17:15 |
Tears of a Clown
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Quiz show |
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17:15PM to 17:45PM.
Quiz show in which a professional clown is cowed by his peers until he has a nervous breakdown. Hosted by Kathryn Osborn
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17:45 |
Leftwise Whiteteeth
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Cartoon |
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17:45PM to 18:00PM.
Wise-cracking turtle Jorge and his orange friend Gale of undetermined genus find hilarity in the least surprising ways.
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 10: Everyone forgets what happened recently. Two hundred and thirty one herbivores died in The making of this episode. Voices will be raised; expectations lowered. Will becoming jewish upset The literal applecart?
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18:00 |
Evening news
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News / political programme |
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18:00PM to 18:45PM.
Your working day is over - so see what misery befell other people.
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18:45 |
Local news
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News / political programme |
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18:45PM to 19:00PM.
For when you want to worry about the undoubtedly insular and inbred world around you.
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19:00 |
We all like the smell of our own
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Documentary |
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19:00PM to 20:00PM.
Health documentary investigating a group of nomadic desert farmers who appear to have grown a liking for other people's flatulence.
Probably best not watched at mealtimes.
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20:00 |
Swellings and bumps
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Reality show |
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20:00PM to 20:30PM.
Health show in which members of a random audience show off their latest leaking pustules.
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20:30 |
NHS Gore
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Hospital drama |
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20:30PM to 21:30PM.
Hospital drama: mostly just closeups of highly invasive surgery and syringes being whamped into people's arms for kicks.
Episode details:
Season 8, Ep. 20: Stacey will have to face the consequences of working hard for the money. Logic takes the high road in this action fraught drama. As someone discovers the odd looks from strangers, clowns break on through to the other side. Everyone wonders what horrors will be next. Is this the beginning of the end?
Contains scenes of pig butchery, masquerading as heart ops
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21:30 |
Night news
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News / political programme |
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21:30PM to 22:00PM.
Find out what dreadful things have happened in other countries so that you don't feel so bad.
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22:00 |
Kill the geek
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Reality show |
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22:00PM to 23:00PM.
Managing Directors from around the world club together to form a Battle Royale (or Hunger Games for you youngsters) using their IT staff. Who will die this week?
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23:00 |
What live animal will you eat?
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Reality show |
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23:00PM to 23:45PM.
New reality TV show with surprising guest hosts. And if you throw up your half masticated animal, the next contestant must continue to eat it.
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23:45 |
Grandad goes to sleep for the last time
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Documentary |
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23:45PM to 00:45AM.
Taxidermy for the wicked.
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00:45 |
My car and where I parked it
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Documentary |
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00:45AM to 01:30AM.
Proud car owners followed around major cities, and filmed while they park their automobiles.
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01:30 |
I want to be a celebrity
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Reality show |
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01:30AM to 02:30AM. Not available in your less worthy country
Frank reality show in which people who want to be a celebrity learn how to act like a celebrity by competing in bizarre challenges that no celebrity would ever endeavour.
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Titanic Wreck Scanned, Celine Dion Weeps With Envy
George W Bush to Take Over as the New Host of The Price is Right and Finally Find the Weapons of Mass Destruction
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