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05:30 |
Breakfast news
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News / political programme |
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05:30AM to 10:00AM.
We eat pieces of news for breakfast.
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10:00 |
Listen to my cooking
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Food / drink show |
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10:00AM to 12:00PM.
Live morning special in which talented chefs get to sit around while clip shows are shown to the audience.
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12:00 |
Lunchtime news
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News / political programme |
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12:00PM to 12:15PM.
Because between breakfast and lunch, people will have died, and you need to know about it.
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12:15 |
Saturday Sports
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Sport |
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12:15PM to 13:30PM.
Sports extravaganza, featuring past sports heroes who have run out of drug money.
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13:30 |
Did you ever know that you're NOT my hero
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Documentary |
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13:30PM to 14:30PM. Due to legal restrictions, you may only pause this program once
A wacky and alternative look at the "If you're in the armed forces or the fire service you're automatically a hero" zeitgeist.
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14:30 |
I feel it in my fingers
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Documentary |
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14:30PM to 15:30PM.
Investigating the mystery of "ghost limbs", featuring amputees from around the world.
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15:30 |
If it's in my pants drawer, am I forced to wear it?
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Crime / Murder mystery Series |
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15:30PM to 16:00PM.
Weekly comedy crime mystery in which at least three people per episode are forced to cross-dress because they go undercover and nobody of the correct gender is available for some reason.
Episode details:
Season 5, Ep. 7: Mindy has the presence of mind to consider reading the wrong newspapers. Logic takes the high road in this action fraught drama. Voices will be raised; expectations lowered. Nothing falls into the mouth of a sleeping fox. It could happen to anyone, so why not?
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16:00 |
Cook with whatever's left in your fridge
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Food / drink show |
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16:00PM to 16:45PM.
Celebrity Chef William Key visits people in their homes and cooks only with what's there in the fridge and cupboards.
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16:45 |
You cracked one off in the bathroom
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Quiz show |
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16:45PM to 17:15PM.
TV quiz show that attempts to get friends to spy on one another's toilet habits, and shame them in front of a live audience.
Some masturbation scenes; no visible leakage.
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17:15 |
Tears of a Clown
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Quiz show |
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17:15PM to 17:45PM.
Quiz show in which a professional clown is cowed by his peers until he has a nervous breakdown. Hosted by Kathryn Osborn
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17:45 |
Leftwise Whiteteeth
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Cartoon |
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17:45PM to 18:00PM.
Wise-cracking turtle Jorge and his orange friend Gale of undetermined genus find hilarity in the least surprising ways.
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 5: Leona nguyen begins to think about The past. Someone's bound to notice this only happened once someone mentioned avoiding washing.
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18:00 |
Evening news
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News / political programme |
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18:00PM to 18:45PM.
Your working day is over - so see what misery befell other people.
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18:45 |
Local news
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News / political programme |
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18:45PM to 19:00PM.
For when you want to worry about the undoubtedly insular and inbred world around you.
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19:00 |
We all like the smell of our own
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Documentary |
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19:00PM to 20:00PM.
Health documentary investigating a group of nomadic desert farmers who appear to have grown a liking for other people's flatulence.
Probably best not watched at mealtimes.
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20:00 |
Swellings and bumps
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Reality show |
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20:00PM to 20:30PM.
Health show in which members of a random audience show off their latest leaking pustules.
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20:30 |
NHS Gore
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Hospital drama |
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20:30PM to 21:30PM.
Hospital drama: mostly just closeups of highly invasive surgery and syringes being whamped into people's arms for kicks.
Episode details:
Season 9, Ep. 19: Does anyone follow plot lines? It occurs to Stacey that testing the bath only after the baby has gone in is probably not for the best; she is stroking someone else's beard. How far the apple has fallen.
Contains scenes of pig butchery, masquerading as heart ops
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21:30 |
Night news
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News / political programme |
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21:30PM to 22:00PM.
Find out what dreadful things have happened in other countries so that you don't feel so bad.
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22:00 |
Kill the geek
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Reality show |
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22:00PM to 23:00PM.
Managing Directors from around the world club together to form a Battle Royale (or Hunger Games for you youngsters) using their IT staff. Who will die this week?
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23:00 |
What live animal will you eat?
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Reality show |
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23:00PM to 23:45PM.
New reality TV show with surprising guest hosts. And if you throw up your half masticated animal, the next contestant must continue to eat it.
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23:45 |
Grandad goes to sleep for the last time
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Documentary |
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23:45PM to 00:45AM.
Taxidermy for the wicked.
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00:45 |
My car and where I parked it
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Documentary |
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00:45AM to 01:30AM.
Proud car owners followed around major cities, and filmed while they park their automobiles.
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01:30 |
I want to be a celebrity
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Reality show |
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01:30AM to 02:30AM. Not available in your less worthy country
Frank reality show in which people who want to be a celebrity learn how to act like a celebrity by competing in bizarre challenges that no celebrity would ever endeavour.
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Titanic Wreck Scanned, Celine Dion Weeps With Envy
George W Bush to Take Over as the New Host of The Price is Right and Finally Find the Weapons of Mass Destruction
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