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05:30 |
Breakfast news
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News / political programme |
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05:30AM to 09:00AM.
We eat pieces of news for breakfast.
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09:00 |
It's grim up north
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Home improvement show |
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09:00AM to 09:45AM.
Home improvement show focusing on all the worst parts of the north so that those living in the south can assume that slums are "normal" once you go beyond the M25.
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09:45 |
Surf's down, dude
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Soap |
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09:45AM to 10:15AM.
Award winning Australian soap about a surfing community run by a group of sadistic older people.
Episode details:
Season 4, Ep. 1: Leona Nguyen strikes out today, just as everyone predicted. Will anyone marry the wrong person for the eighth time?
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10:15 |
I couldn't eat my dinner, but I would like some pudding
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Kids show |
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10:15AM to 10:30AM.
Kids clips show.
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10:30 |
Exciting Fun with Poo Bear
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Kids show |
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10:30AM to 11:00AM.
Poo bear likes to his hands dirty.
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11:00 |
I ate it all in one sitting
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Food / drink show |
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11:00AM to 11:30AM.
Enormous foods and gastric surgery in one lip smacking, belly slapping, show.
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11:30 |
You know it's fresh when it cries on you
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Food / drink show |
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11:30AM to 12:00PM.
Butchery for beginners.
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12:00 |
Lunchtime news
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News / political programme |
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12:00PM to 12:30PM.
Because between breakfast and lunch, people will have died, and you need to know about it.
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12:30 |
Killer bee robots from Eastern Europe
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Science Fiction Series |
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12:30PM to 13:30PM.
Killer bees out to kill other bees in this novel US science fiction series.
Episode details:
Season 2, Ep. 2: Does anyone follow plot lines? In the future, folk will look back at this and weep? As someone discovers the past, dry noodles chop it off and hope for the best. As the saying goes: Where observation is concerned, chance favours only the prepared mind. It can only end with someone presenting neighbours with signed copies of their own photographs.
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13:30 |
Old man and his cart
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Auction show |
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13:30PM to 14:15PM.
Follow as he attempts to unload his "antiques" onto wine-quaffing buffoons.
Contains several scenes of wild beatings.
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14:15 |
Cook with whatever's left in your fridge
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Food / drink show |
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14:15PM to 15:00PM.
Celebrity Chef William Key visits people in their homes and cooks only with what's there in the fridge and cupboards.
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15:00 |
The odds aren't good but we still prevail every damned episode
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Science Fiction Series |
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15:00PM to 15:30PM.
Episodic calamity with attractive actors fighting aliens and any other sci-fi staples we can throw in there, only to continually win in the last few minutes.
Episode details:
Season 6, Ep. 9: Can the tension last while Jonas is still there? He knows Florence's little secret about being able to see through walls, and he knows that the truth will be too painful for Florence.
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15:30 |
I was proud of my designing skills 'til you came along
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Home improvement show |
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15:30PM to 16:00PM.
Various people are humbled by foppish cads entering their homes and telling them how disgusting their home furnishing taste is.
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16:00 |
Play me that record again, I might recognise the tune
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Quiz show |
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16:00PM to 17:00PM.
Musical quiz; old people try to divine the tune by listening to the scratchy lead-in on an LP.
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17:00 |
Tears of a Clown
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Quiz show |
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17:00PM to 17:30PM.
Quiz show in which a professional clown is cowed by his peers until he has a nervous breakdown. Hosted by Kathryn Osborn
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17:30 |
Slags n Sluts
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Soap |
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17:30PM to 18:00PM.
Enjoyable soap.
Episode details:
Season 9, Ep. 96: As someone finally notices the truth about gender, vegans break on through to the other side. Tracy Walker threatens to open up, only to have the heart torn out. Everything seems to change with someone preparing for the dentist.
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18:00 |
Evening news
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News / political programme |
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18:00PM to 18:45PM.
Your working day is over - so see what misery befell other people.
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18:45 |
Local news
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News / political programme |
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18:45PM to 19:00PM.
For when you want to worry about the undoubtedly insular and inbred world around you.
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19:00 |
Friends who are fat don't let fat friends eat fat
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Soap |
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19:00PM to 20:00PM.
New weight loss and swimming show; poolside antics likely to include cannonballing.
Episode details:
Season 5, Ep. 9: In the future, people will look back at this and pray? What did happen last episode, anyway? Forgiveness is hard to come by. Everyone forgets what happened recently. And that concludes something.
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20:00 |
I want to be a celebrity
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Reality show |
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20:00PM to 21:00PM. Not available in your less worthy country
Frank reality show in which people who want to be a celebrity learn how to act like a celebrity by competing in bizarre challenges that no celebrity would ever endeavour.
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21:00 |
Wet wipes: a tale of woe
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Documentary |
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21:00PM to 21:30PM.
Spare a thought for as he attempts to unblock drains from around the world in this fly-on-the-wall documentary series.
The first three rows may get wet. But not in the good way.
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21:30 |
Night news
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News / political programme |
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21:30PM to 22:00PM.
Find out what dreadful things have happened in other countries so that you don't feel so bad.
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22:00 |
3 men and a nose job
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Comedy Film |
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22:00PM to 00:00AM. Due to legal restrictions, you may only pause this program once
Hilarious offbeat surgical comedy starring Autumn Sampson and Merlin McPherson.
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00:00 |
Would you like a latte with your 5 mile jog?
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Reality show |
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00:00AM to 00:30AM.
Coffee shenanigans in this fly-on-the-wall series about baristas working in gyms.
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00:30 |
Dance like yo legs is on fire!
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Music |
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00:30AM to 01:30AM.
Exclamation marks abound in this fun-filled hour of sassed-up jazz dancing. Improvised music takes on improv dance in this groovy chill out town of style and funk. Y'all!!!
Contains scenes of outrageous dancing.
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01:30 |
Hogwash
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Documentary |
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01:30AM to 02:30AM.
Documentary showing the various ways in which different livestock are polished fit for market.
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