UK News Business

BREAKING NEWS: John Lewis CEO Reveals Plan to Turn Employees into Slaves

story image about BREAKING NEWS and John
Report story

In a shocking turn of events, the CEO of British high street retailer John Lewis has announced plans to turn all staff members into modern-day slaves. The move comes amid mounting financial pressure and rapidly declining sales, leaving many questioning the sanity of the company's executives.

Speaking to reporters earlier today, CEO Paula Nickolds stated that "John Lewis will always be owned by staff", before revealing a disturbing plan to force all employees to work 24 hours a day, seven days a week, without pay. "We believe that our staff are our greatest asset. Therefore, we should be able to use them however we see fit," Nickolds said with a cheerful grin.

The announcement has sparked outrage across social media, with many members of the public expressing their disgust at the company's callous disregard for employee rights. "This is absolutely outrageous," wrote one Twitter user. "I can't believe John Lewis is stooping to such depravity."

Another user tweeted, "I always knew John Lewis was a bit cultish, but I didn't think they were this bad." Meanwhile, in-store protests have erupted across the UK, with employees staging sit-ins and boycotts in a desperate bid to protect their rights.

Despite the growing backlash, Nickolds remains steadfast in her commitment to the controversial proposal. "We're confident that our staff will understand the need for this measure," she said in a press conference. "After all, who wouldn't want to work for free for the rest of their lives?"

When asked about the potential legal implications of the scheme, Nickolds scoffed, "Legal implications? We're John Lewis! We don't need laws. We make them."

As news of the CEO's shocking revelation spreads, many are questioning the future of the once-beloved retail giant. "It's clear that John Lewis has lost sight of what matters most " its employees," said one retail expert. "If this plan goes ahead, it could spell disaster for the company's reputation."

In response to the growing crisis, a spokesperson for the company offered a brief statement: "We would like to assure our customers that John Lewis remains fully committed to quality service and fair treatment for all employees. However, given the current economic climate, we may have to make difficult decisions in order to remain competitive."

But for many, the damage has already been done. "I used to love John Lewis," wrote another Twitter user. "Now I wouldn't shop there if you paid me. This is a disgrace."

In conclusion, it's safe to say that John Lewis has led a devastating blow to both its employees and its reputation with this shockingly callous proposal. In the immortal words of one of the company's most famous slogans " "never knowingly undersold" " it seems that John Lewis is now guilty of underselling its most valuable assets: its dedicated and hardworking staff.





The funny news item you've just read is FICTITIOUS. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental or is intended purely as a satire, parody or spoof.

Headlines like this

thumbnail for item

Mother's Day Candles mostly made of congealed monkey sweat

World Business 0

Shocking news has come out of the US today following one of the most successful Mother's Day in recent history. Yesterday, 71% of mothers received some sort of card or gift from...

read more
9 years ago
thumbnail for item Ninja please

Ninja 4 President

US News Politics 21

A ninja has today announced his candidacy for the next American Presidency, in 2016. Although currently unaffiliated to any of the major parties, Dan Silverman (46) is said to...

read more
9 years ago

Comments

This content hasn't made people froth at the mouth with comments yet. Why not be the first to add one?

To add a comment you must first sign up and login.


Sagittarius horoscope

Any irritation you feel this week may be due to an oncoming illness, or possibly disease. Magi cannot be expected......

Full horoscope

More from Laughsend

thumbnail for Celine Dion news story Titanic Wreck Scanned, Celine Dion Weeps With Envy thumbnail for Bush news story George W Bush to Take Over as the New Host of The Price is Right and Finally Find the Weapons of Mass Destruction
Funny RSS feed