Cost of living crisis: Eat the packaging as well as the food!

The cost of living crisis continues to spiral out of control in the UK, with many turning to their food's packaging for much needed roughage. Tamsin Barker, head of the World Wide Food Fund for Human People, told us that there are problems with these suggested solutions.

"Generally it's fair to say that paper and cardboard do not have the same nutrient profile as actual food suitable for humans. Although the cardboard box from a packet of Coco Pops can sometimes retain a modicum of chocolate flavour, it has a generally pulpy and gross mouth feel that I'm fairly sure most of us would wish to avoid."

Tamsin Barker.

UK government ministers, such as Therese Coffee (I can't be bothered to spell her name correctly if she can't be bothered to treat UK citizens as worth her time) have long advocated for more people to eat-their-way-slim through alternative diets. New to the foody-scene is "gastro-cycling", the recycling of common packaging that might otherwise find itself languishing in landfill sites, by way of eating. Many have trumped the practice to saving millions in council collection costs, while adding only slightly to the NHS balance sheet* from illness caused by the repeated consumption of plastic.

"This whole idea is horrific. You can't have people eating the recycling. Generally when we say that 'the kids wolfed down a tin of beans', we don't mean the actual tin!"

Confused and handsome parent of seven, Jem Mills.

In other news, Coffee has shown herself to be a grotesque human being; what a turnip for the books.

* NHS savings are based on numbers that show that generally the person will die rather quickly, rather than becoming a burden on overstretched hospital resources.