Euro 2016 parties cancelled after Danny Mills and Alan Shearer declare England's chances as "woeful"

All Euro 2016 parties, shindigs and celebrations have been officially cancelled as England's performance was judged by Match of the Day 'Experts' as "woeful". The declaration, coming from the England hero Alan Shearer, and the... possibly diabetic Danny Mills, has been taken hard by the vast majority of die-hard England football fans, causing the instant cancellation of all joy.

"To be fair, at the end of the day, if anything - Clive - they've hit the nail too well on the head," said England Supporter's Club spokesperson, Helen Daquiri. "Mills is an absolute legend of the game, and when he talks he lights up my woman bits no end. Shearer's OK too, I suppose, but not half the player that Mills is. Anyway, as far as their combined tactical and technical knowledge goes, there's no better pairing on the planet. If they say that it's going to be a crap tournament just because England happened to only beat Portugal 1-0, then we have to accept it. Fair play to them. Hats off. Caps doffed. Knickers dropped."

The cause of the widespread misery and subsequent cancellations was due to the England football team's so-so performance during last night's friendly against Portugal - a team widely respected and admired, if not entirely loved. England's rather pathetic 1-0 victory did nothing to enliven English hearts, or suggest that the upcoming official Euro tournament would be anything but horrific.

"It's the same old story," said Leeds United fan Fabio Capellini. "England will go home after having played completely up to their available standard, and the press, after suggesting that the team is capable of reaching the final, will destroy the young men who fail to achieve the red-top's dreams. It's a bit fucking depressing, if you ask me. And you did. So I'll say it again: it's sad."

The Euro 2016 football championship of soccer excellence is due to "kick-off" (nice pun!) on Friday, 10th June, 2016.