It's official! Lancashire has more holes than anywhere else in the UK! "One swallowed my Bertie," claims distraught mother of nine.

Balderstone, Lancashire has been named as having more potholes than anywhere else in the UK.

Mrs Wendy Whistlister, 47 and mother of nine, from Balderstone, Lancashire, said: "I lost my Bertie down one of them things. He set off for work one day, like, fell into a pothole and he's never been seen since. The council won't even send down a search party. I've had a look, like, with my torch but there's no sign of him or his car."

When asked about Albert Whistlister's disappearance, Sidney Knockingbottom, councillor for Balderstone, Lancashire, said: "Nah! Between you and me, we think he buggered off to Bognor Regis with the barmaid from the Duck & Pullet."

When pressed on the number and size of the holes in Lancashire, Mr Knockingbottom said: "Yes, we have some big ones - this is Lancashire after all - but we're investing in those red triangle pothole signs so drivers know where they are and can avoid them."

When it was pointed out that some roads were so bad that the potholes were impossible to avoid Mr Knockingbottom replied: "The government should use some the massive taxes it raises through fuel duty and road tax to repair the roads. But will they? Will they bloody heck. Er, can you edit that out?"

A spokesperson for the Ministry of Transport said: "We're giving the councils half a million pounds to repair potholes. If they choose to spend it on residential care for the elderly, that's their business. If locals don't like it they should move to an area with fewer old people."

When apprised of the government's response, Mr Knockingbottom replied: "I'll be 75 next year. I've my future to think about."